letting go is the hardest thing......

 As a parent one of the hardest things is finding the perfect balance between keeping our children safe and letting them go. As they get older and start having a mind of their own it gets harder and harder to keep that fine balance.
 There have been numerous times in my life when I have wanted to keep my babies little, the first time was at a friends house when we were watching her wedding video and I started to cry thinking that one day my baby girl will get older and get married too, my baby girl was 11 months at the time. It was no wonder that my friends thought it quite funny that I was being so sentimental but time is a disloyal friend it goes by in a blink of an eye. My baby girl is  six already and is going to start grade one this year. When she had started school I had felt weak in the knees dropping her off that first day imagining all the bullies who could hurt her on the play ground, the injustices life may throw at her but I kept a stiff upper lip and let her go knowing she will be in my loving embrace by mid morning.
 When I was young myself my mom had said to me one day that she wished she could be a part of my dowry and come with me to my house when I got married, I had found that notion very funny but now I understand what she had meant. It is an illusion I guess; this idea that we can protect our kids because we really cannot no one knows what life will be like from one moment to the next but as long as they are in our arms we can dream that we will be able to keep that innocence from getting marred.
 My youngest sister is almost 16 years younger to me and she too is graduating high school this year. Growing up, I felt she was more my child than my sister even now I confuse her name with my daughters name all the time to the chagrin of both.
 There is so much I want to tell my sister, so many ways I want to protect her; but I know that the only way for her to learn as for all our kids to learn is through the pathway they will chart for themselves in this journey of life. We cannot always protect them and it is imperative that these young adults be given the right to explore, make mistakes and learn. I wish I had some really meaningful wise quote to say here but alas I do not.
I will however; make a silent prayer for my children and all the children of the world that whatever life throws at you, you are able to take it in stride and make the decision which are beneficial for you and the world in general. I pray that Allah protects all children and helps us to raise them well to be the best caretakers of the world we leave for them. 

Spit polish academy for moms

Hello all, after a long long hiatus I am back and there is so much to tell and talk about and discuss and rave and rant and give my opinion on but first we must discuss matters of immediate importance, I became a mommy recently baby number two arrived January 31st after three days of labor. Why is it called labor; in my opinion it should be called the iron man challenge or hard labor without bail....

After taking on mommy hood for the second time, I am convinced absolutely and irrevocable convinced that we need to unionize. Moms everywhere unite!!!! like think about it, kids have all the advantages here they are cute, they are precocious they have tears and can cry on demand. Every child that is born is already able to give Oscar worthy performances at the drop of a hat, I think Leo Di Cap could have easily taken drama lessons from either of my little ones and scored an Oscar a long time ago. So yes after much deliberation I have come to the conclusion that we need to unionize and more importantly we need colleges and universities to offer courses and diplomas in the art of motherhood.

These courses need to be fully funded by the clients in this case your 3 days old. So here are some ideas on course offerings.

 How to put on a diaper challenge: This course covers putting on diapers while the little one is erupting like Mt Vesuvius, the challenge is to put on the diaper before all that shit hits you and your carpet whilst your husband and older child are shouting helpful suggestions on how to lift and tie from the sidelines, as the oven beeps and the tea kettle screams and the door bell rings.  Baby provided. bring your own diapers.

The prefect temperature: In this course we will learn how to prepare the perfect temperature formula bottle and in case of breast milk how long to keep it in the hot water. The milk has to be just the right temperature not too hot, not to cold. Best of luck figuring that out.

Opening packages 101: This one will fill up fast so be quick, we will cover opening up packages of medicines before you or a loved one passes out, you will need  a saw, a drill machine, a jack hammer, a wrecking ball (Miley Cyrus not needed on it) if you are not in Canada you may also bring your AK 47 from the corner store. For all other packages which include diapers, wipes, creams, cookies etc just a jack hammer will do. Packages provided, instruction will be given by Houdini.

Just eat it: Are you getting showered with peas, carrots and apple puree. Does your little one say it is tooooo spicy to apple pie and refuses to eat it. It is too hot to frozen burger patties and throws them with the strength of a line backer, fear no more just eat it will provide you with the tools needed to ensure they eat it

The Nag: How to creatively nag your child so they are emotionally scared for life . You will learn the bionic arts. How to see through bathroom doors, how to throw the chappal just right so it hits the mark every time, how to see with your back turned. You will learn the forgotten art of making your teenager cry. learn creative ways to make your child miserable for a lifetime my personal favorite tell them the candy got stolen and enjoy it all on your own while watching the reruns of Grey's anatomy guilt free.

How to be a savvy saver: No mom is complete until she learns the art of useless hoarding, not until you have a drawer full of rubber bands, plastic ties, bags full of plastic bags, old shoes, clothes and toys are you worthy of the title Ami jan. You will learn speed and skill and the use of nimble fingers so you can snatch the gift bag from the unwitting receiver just as they take out their present. You will learn to take off the gift wrap with such precision that not a tear will result.

Stork breaking 1.0:  Every day mothers let precious moments to guilt trip their kids go, where if they were smart investors they could convince their children; that their kids owe them something and reap the benefits for years to come, instead of receiving the half broken sea shell and a box of candles on mothers day. Now you will be the one receiving the expensive gifts which were previously been given to the cute girl in the class who sat next to your son whom he gave the expensive silk scarf to although he has known her only three days while you have the  paunchy tummy bringing him into the world and scars to prove it.

Perfection:How to fake it; This is crucial to motherhood, you can never make any mistakes, make sure you have the perfect hair, body and nails and your eyebrows are always on point. You need to have an immaculate house,  fresh baked bread in the oven and should be able to perform feats defying gravity with baby in one hand and a rolling pin in the other, You will learn skills which will benefit you for years to come especially when in-laws and nosy neighbors drop by unannounced. In order to gain your kids respect and keep it you must have your children believe that you have never made a bad decision in your life, never experimented with drugs or sex, never gave your own mother any sleepless nights in short you were never a child your self.
Prerequisites required; The immaculate birth.
 Lie who me, are you kidding?
This is the face of an angel
How dare you talk like this to your own mother.

Legal jargon: Know your rights mom; are you really required to fold the laundry which has been lying in the dryer for more that two months,  can the department of health and safety raid your house if they know you have been feeding your kids nuggets and smiley faces for the last month, are you breaking the law if you feed them food over the expiration date, Will you face jail time if you open that teens room with your nail file, What will the penalty be if you actually leave that kid on the side of the road who had been kicking daddy seat for the last 300 miles and asking are we there yet at the top of his lungs every 5 seconds and making sure to the poke and wake up the baby the moment that screaming tyke falls asleep.

Spotting Pinocchio, empty threaaats and promises. This is the most important course in all the series if you can't take any course make sure to take this one, it is offered online as well for your convenience. This will give you skills to spot the liar long after his nose has stopped growing, to find milk that was thrown down the drain, half eaten sandwiches hidden under beds. Candy being eaten behind the sofa. You will learn the art of making false promises and giving empty threats to intimidate your children for as long as they are living under your roof and eating your food. In this course you will be given the mega weapon the death stare sure to work in crowded places and in public when you cannot shout at the little rascals.

So hurry on over enrollment is limited!!!!!

In his eyes, episode 4

The house was a bustle of activity. Everyone was preparing for the mango party; as was khala, khalu's trend, they had sent out the invitations to all their friends via the servant and today every one was going to be at their place for dinner in the evening and later for some delicious ice creams and mangoes. Khala was busy getting the whole house sparkling clean and as she usually liked to entertain her guests out in the grounds. The table and some of the furniture was being moved out side. Huge buckets of mangoes were being chilled in ice and  the servants were busy cranking the ice cream machine with the delicious mixture of mangoes, cream, sugar and ice.
  The day passed by quickly in the steady rhythm of activity. Khala had decorated the house beautifully with some lanterns hung decoratively over the huge lawns. Music was playing from the stereo system and dusk was falling. Soon the guests started to arrive and Khala got busy mingling with the guests.
Reham was busy getting ready, she wore a beautiful green chiffon kurti with her fitted jeans and pumps. She loved glass bangles so she wore the ones ami had gotten for her this last eid and tied her long beautiful hair into a french braid. She hardly wore makeup but on this occasion she made an exception and wore some kajal and lipgloss, she looked in the mirror and smiled, she liked what she saw she really was super cute. She laughed out loud at this thought and skipped out side.
As she came out khala called her over and started to introduce her to the guests. Reham meet her this is Mrs Safdar, this is Mrs Amir and this here is Mrs Sarfraz Shah, she embraced Aunty Sarfraz and right at that moment from across the ground her eyes locked with those familiar beautiful eyes that had been haunting her dreams the last few nights. Her heart skipped a beat and she lowered her own eyes in response.
She excused herself and was going inside when she heard his soft voice behind her." Reham, can i talk to you for a minute." She turned around and said, " Yes, Hisham...." you remember my name he said laughing, "yes of course.... I mean you remember my name too", she giggled. She felt so self conscious what had come over her. "I was wondering if we could maybe get to know each other better", Hisham said" here is my cell number if you like you can call or watsapp". He paused for a while and went on, " you see since i have seen you, I have been unable to stop myself from thinking about you, infact the moment I saw you I felt as if someone had squeezed my heart out of my chest, I know all this may sound very cheesy to you and I usually do not approach girls like this but in your case I can't stop my self"."You are gorgeous, your innocence and beauty has had me mesmerized."
She looked at him stunned no one had ever said anything like this to her. He gave her his number written on a paper and said," I will wait for your call"," I hope I don't wait in vain", and walked away.
 The rest of the party passed away in a daze.... she still could not believe what had happened. She felt very excited and scared at the same time. No guy had ever approached her this way before, she had quite a few guy friends from school and all her boy cousins were very frank with her but no one ever paid her a compliment like this, in fact every one usually made fun of her in some manner or the other. Some times it was her nose, other times her style of walking..... was this for real. Was he really being honest or just toying with her. She was curious though and she had always been quite the adventurer and this was one adventure she could not stop from embarking on, after all she really liked him herself.
   The food was delicious, the cook had outdone himself with the chicken biryani. The tandoori chicken, kebabs and mutton chops were being Bar B qued over the hot coals and hot spicy pieces were being served by the servants on the trays  with chutneys, raita and salad. After every one had had their fill the ice cream was served with the mangoes.
 She had seen Hisham eyeing her a few times but every time she met his gaze he would turn away smiling, as if she had caught him in an act of theft... she would smile to herself at such times. Soon every one left and all the grounds were cleared up by the servants under the watchful eye of Khala and Khalu. She went inside and changed into her night clothes and said her Isha prayers. She thought about calling Hisham she hesitated and wished her sister was there with her so she could have asked her advice pertaining to her conundrum.  She finally got enough courage and dialed his number on her cell, luckily bua was outside still helping out with the cleaning up, so she had locked her room. He picked up on the second ring but instead of saying anything she hung up; her heart was racing and her mouth fell dry, uff what is wrong with me, she plucked up her courage again and with sweaty palms called again, this time he picked up on the first ring. "Hello Reham is this you", he said. "Yes", she replied shakily. "You cannot imagine how happy I am feeling right now, thank you for calling" "I really enjoyed the party it was very well organized," He said while thinking to himself what a dumb thing to say, out of everything on earth I could talk about I am making small talk talking about the party, but he so wanted her to stay on the line and keep hearing her voice. "You know Reham your voice is like the sound of clinking bangles," he ventured. Reham laughed hesistantly and said "well you are good at this complimenting stuff I find it hard to believe this is the first time you are talking to a girl". He laughed heartily at that but said no honest it is perhaps that is why I have no tact. They both laughed at that, they talked for a while and he said his parents were planning a trip to their farm house to Bahawalpur and he will try and get them to invite you and your family too. She felt very excited at the prospect of seeing him again so soon. Bua knocked on the door so she finished her conversation and got ready for bed.

The bitter sweet emotions of moving

I woke up quite early today and could not go back to sleep, that has been happening for a few days now. Mostly my brain is racing with all the things i need to pack up and stow away, give away, throw away interlaced with all the mixed emotions of leaving  the first home I bought with my better half and leaving behind friends who are more like my family now and than of course there is the excitement of starting a fresh in a new city which is always full of adventure and fun.
 I have moved alot all my life that I could give tips to a nomad. I have never stayed in the same house for more than 2 years. So This house was the longest I stayed in any one place, but more than the house it is the friendships I have made which pull at my heart strings right now.
 When I left Montreal I remember being a little nostalgic but a part of me was actually happy to be leaving all the cold and snow behind I could not have imagined in a million years how much i would come to miss that place.
After I got married I was still finishing up  my degree so I used to travel between Montreal and Vancouver a lot, every vacation I got I d fly out to Vancouver to see my husband. At that time he was the unofficial designated driver with a car so invariably our car would be full of his pals, that had irked me at times but very soon I started to make friends with all of them. There I would be sitting in the passenger seat giving them some lecture or the other on women psychology or on western living and in the process I got to learn a lot about computer programming, visa issues and the male camaraderie which is very different from the female friendships. While we ladies can pour our hearts out to our soul sisters, the gentlemen prefer the  time honored tradition of annoying the heck out of one another with jokes that usually target one poor soul at any given time.
 Very soon these gentlemen got wives of their own and slowly those ladies became closer to me than my own sisters.  We traversed the initial maze and emotional high and low of marriage together, I could never feel alone when I had so many wonderful young girls surrounding me and my life became a steady stream of organizing picnics, parties and potlucks especially the bacha kucha parties were the best.
 We used to go to so many places in our little car; Vancouver crowd as our 'group' came to be called  has so much bonding with each other, others would tell me.
  I am a pretty good communicator but at this time I am feeling so overwhelmed with emotion I do not really know how to verbalize how much each of my Vancouver crowd friend means to me all the beautiful memories we have had the privilege to make. I guess it was just everything the moving to a new place together and figuring out the in and out of a new city, the similar experiences of being far from home, being newly married, having our kids around the same time which had strengthened our bond.
I am very excited to go and live in a new place but I am also sad because no matter what things will change now because being in close proximity and being far always does change relationships and as life gets busier with kids and careers and other responsibilities our carefree roaming in our little green car will get further and further. I guess the difference is that when I had left Montreal i did not know how much I would miss my friends there but this time I know and yes we will visit and they will visit but we will not have the spur of the moment tea gupshups and the late night movie nights or the girl party as often.
 I know I am being aunty sentimental here but well that is just how I am and you know you love me for it right ;). You will miss me but I have a whole bunch of you whom I will miss so right now my heart is over flowing. Life is all about change and we should embrace it because growth is always at the end of our comfort zones. I just want to end with something a very dear friend of mine said to me when I moved from Montreal even if we dont meet as often, talk as often or even if we never meet again there is happiness in knowing that there will always be a person who has your best interest at heart and every time I will think of you I will send a prayer your way. May Allah shower his mercy upon you and give you his bestest and choicest blessings and may all your burdens be made light. I hope that if I ever pop into your mind you will send a blessing my way too.

hindsight is 20/20

 I am currently reading a book about post traumatic stress and man it is such a breadth of fresh air. It gives so much perspective on so many levels. Any one who has experienced a trauma, whatever sort it may be can relate that most of the time the biggest question we ask our selves and many a times others ask us, why did we let such and such happen. Understanding how our body responds under threat and stress, understanding our emotions and their manifestations, understanding the benefit and survival associated with our emotions and understanding the benefit and survival associated with our defense mechanism goes a long way in explaining to a person what had happened and why it had happened. It is only once one understand why something had happened and why we behaved a certain way that we can go on and let go of the event and change how our body responds every time it feel threatened or how we respond and perceive a situation if it reminds us of the traumatic event in some manner. IT IS A LIBERATING FEELING!!!! once such a thing has been achieved it is like a person is able to breadth again and is no longer a prisoner and at the mercy of their body and their emotions and its reactivity but more in control of how they choose to behave under certain condition.
I plan to write a blog about  PTSD/PTS as soon as I finish my book. One of the questions to consider is that usually a traumatic event is not just an isolated incident that comes and goes and one should just as easily forget about it, in fact the way our brains are wired the way we collect and store memories under stress are pretty much like brandishing the event into the brain so its almost impossible to forget the event, even if one manages to forget the details the body tends to keep score and it will keep manifesting its defenses every time it feels threatened through dissociation, panic attacks, anxiety, shaking, seizures and night mares etc. So it is important to associate the body's implicit memory with the brains explicit memory and make sense of the events.
It is a mistake to consider a traumatic event as a single solitary incident. Every traumatic event comprises of three distinct stages. 1) circumstances leading up to the event. 2) The trauma itself 3) the circumstances following the incident both short and long term and the time following the event is the most critical because the quality of contact and help the victim receives greatly influence the outcome of the incident onto the victim.
In most traumatic events the most potent emotions are of anger and fear but in terms of sexual abuse there is another component of shame. All these emotions have evolved for survival purposes but in order to find reconciliation from a traumatic incident it is important to let go and discharge these emotions. One can experience fear through crying, screaming etc. Anger through talking loudly, showing anger physically but there is really no outlet for shame unless one has a support system where a person feels safe and accepted. Most of the time the trauma for sexual abuse victims does not get resolution because they are ostracized and blamed for what has happened to them and never find the acceptance they need to resolve their issues.
 Any way, i ll write a more thought out post about this in a few weeks once i am done with my book. If any one is interested its called, "The body remembers, the psychophysiology of trauma and trauma treatment by Babette Rothschild."

Lets protect our children.

 A long time ago I had a discussion with a few friends about child abuse and rape and most of them were adamant that it did not happen and it did not happen in Pakistan. I wish that was true, I wish that we lived in an Utopian society where every one cared about each other and no one got hurt but unfortunately the reality is much more different. Abuse does take place and it is a lot more common than what we would like to admit.

Incidence of Child sexual abuse goes unreported to a very large extent but experts believe that 1 in 5 girls gets abused and 1 in 20 boys these are statistics I am quoting for the USA(1). Watching a program about child sexual abuse called Satyamay Jaytey, similar statistics were reported in India.
The statistics I was able to find for Pakistan are not that promising either (2) most of the time the abuse is done by people close to the child up-to 80 percent of the cases are by family member or servants.

  There is still cause for hope because at the end it is about empowering and education. If we are willing to educate our selves about these topics and help our children feel more confident we will be able to stop things like these from happening.  Following are some tips I came up with and a few articles which i feel are very beneficial on the topic.

   Sexual abuse does not only happen to girls, it happen to boys as well and the predators generally target children who are emotionally vulnerable. So the most important thing we can do for our kids is to ensure them that they are important, they matter and they are loved. To accept them and love them for who they are and the way to do that is to give them our attention, if your child comes to you to say something, look at him, turn towards him give him your 100% attention and listen to him and talk to him or her. When we make them believe that the little things are important they will come to us for the big things too.

   Lets deal with our own personal problems and give our kids solid marriages. I read a quote on time which said the best thing a father can do for his kids is to love their mother. Children are very intuitive they sense things and much more than we give them credit for if we have an unhappy relationship our kids sense that and it affects them a lot. Children automatically feel they are an extension of their parents and if they feel something a miss in the marriage and the parents unhappy most of the time they will conclude it is because of something they did and this can play havoc on their confidence and self esteem.

 Marriage is work and so is parenting and these things change over time from generation to generation so what worked for our parents may not work for us. Have the courage to get help if there are problems with the relationship or if you are struggling with your own issues, that is the mark of being mature and being an adult; taking responsibility for your self and getting help when needed, no one can do it all alone.

   Children who are in abusive homes are much more likely to be a target of abuse them selves.
"When traumatic incident is repeated as with physical abuse, domestic violence, incest or torture,mental, emotional and behavioral strategies for coping can become habituated, closing off the possibility of exercising other options, even in less stressful circumstances. Those who are molested or beaten as children or teenagers might late be vulnerable to sexual abuse or violence, because their natural impulses to protect themselves and protest (physical and verbal ) were extinguished. Expectation of hurtful treatment by others or one's own failed capabilities can stubbornly persist despite over whelming evidence that such is no longer the case. Behaviors and beliefs conditioned during traumatic events seem to have a greater enduring power than those conditioned under lesser degrees of stress " (3)

Here are some key tips for protecting our children there are more detailed articles at the end of this blog post if you are interested in educating your self about this topic. 
 1. Help children develop boundaries, teach them to ask permission before embracing a play mate and allow them to make up their own mind if they wish to embrace some one whether a playmate or an adult, do not force them.
2. Talk to your children, make eye contact with them don't just brush their questions aside. This goes for both mom and dads
3. Teach your children that No and Stop are important words and will be honored if he/ she speaks them and  to honor them if others say them also. Give them the opportunity to make choices for them selves in every day life in terms of clothes, shoes, books etc so they know their opinion is validated and it matters.
4. Teach them to wash their own genitals during wash times or ask permission when you touch them
5. Give your child the confidence to come talk to you if he feels uncomfortable with any one and if he tells you give his voice an importance.
6. Teach your children about their bodies, talk to them about it and use proper biology words, if we tell our child an elbow is an elbow a hand is a hand than tell them a breast is a breast dont use some other word for it. Use biological words for the genitals and talk about it all with confidence don't feel ashamed, if they know you will not ridicule them and give them proper information they will come to you for the information when they are older rather than scouring the internet or getting it from friends. You cannot control what they will get if it is coming from others.
7. Teach them to shout and scream and come to you if they are touched inappropriately by some one.
8. Enroll them in self defence classes if possible and definitely encourage girls to participate in sports. Sports help build confidence and self- reliance.
9. Help them build a good self image, especially  about their bodies don't focus on being thin but on being healthy and young girls look to their mothers for this, so please ladies get off the i need to be a super model unattainable model of thin and focus on being healthy.

This is my list I hope it helps and gives you a springing board to do more of your own research. 

1. (http://www.victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/child-sexual-abuse-statistics).
2. (http://www.dawn.com/news/1115058/my-stolen-childhood).
3. The body remembers they psycho physiology of trauma and trauma treatment. By Babette Rothschild.


Here are links to some very good articles which talk about how to talk with our children about sex and to help them set good boundaries. 
1. http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/03/teaching-kids-consent-ages-1-21/
2. http://www.yowoto.com/posts/5-lessons-im-going-to-teach-my-indian-daughter
3. http://www.amightygirl.com/blog?p=2006
4, http://goodmenproject.com/good-feed-blog/25-failsafe-rules-for-dads-raising-daughters/

Resources about sexual abuse and how to help victims/survivors. 
1. https://1in6.org/therapists-and-other-professionals/myths-facts/
2. This had a list of centers in Pakistan working for victims/survivors of sexual abuse. http://www.dawn.com/news/1115058/my-stolen-childhood
3. http://www.100conversations.org/
4.http://slutwalkseattle.com/allies  excellent resource with alot of websites.

But why did you not run?

She woke up to sounds of shouting and crying, this was not unusual she woke up to sounds like these most nights. She ran to the living room to find her mother hunched up in a ball crying while her father stood over her figure. Beta, go to sleep this does not concern you. She tip toed back scared, confused and feeling helpless.
 He used to come to their house a lot, he was her parents uncle very old and very nice. He always gave her sweets and would take her out to get her toys. Every time she got a scolding from mama she would go and sit with him. He was kind but one day he had told her a story and she has slept in his bed and she woke up to him touching her, she felt confused, scared but she pretended to keep sleeping. This started happening more and more often, sometimes he even let his son touch her. As she got older he would ask her to come to his room with talks about new stories and candies and she would go because he did care, he did not scold her and get frustrated with her. He did not say you are just like your dad when he was angry, she thought maybe her dad was a bad man that is why he made mama cry and she said she was like him when she was angry with her. The grand father would make her sleep next to him or make her close her eyes and touch her, one day she opened her eyes slowly so he wont notice and saw him doing very dirty things. She told her maid, but her maid made a disgusting face and told her to go play and not talk of such things. This was very confusing but she was too scared to tell mama, or baba. They will get angry with her but from that time on she never went to the grandfathers room again even when he called her. She told her aunt and some years later she told her mother but no one did anything. Every one told her to keep quiet and not talk of such matters. Why? was she a bad girl a bad person was what he did so bad that we cant ever speak of it. She was confused, she was scared but she was resilient and she decided to not think of such things and kept on being funny and goofy and keeping on.........
 Her brother had had an accident so mama had to take him to another country for medical help. They split them up and they lived with their grand mother and aunt. It was good, but baba hardly came to see them. Some nights he would come and she would be shuttled off from her aunts house to her grand mothers house and she would see him for a while. She felt like no one cared about her, she felt abandoned. Only mama had cared about her most of the time any way, baba was hardly ever around and when he was he preferred watching tv or reading his books. So she thought she ll try harder be a very good girl do as she is told he will like her and he will want to stay with them but no matter how hard she tried he always left to go some where else.
They moved to another city she started a new school. Some boy decided to start harassing her, he told lies about her and would call her house. All the girls said she was a bad girl so no one became her friend. She would sit in the library reading books in her lunch break, for two years no one really wanted to be her friend because she was a bad girl. Her baba said, who is this boy who calls you, she said she did not know and she did not know why he was calling. He said well, I am sure you must have given him your number why else would any one call. She felt very sad, why does no one believe her. She decided to try harder, she will dress up modestly and do things that good girls did
One day baba left, he did not come back for many years, mama had to be very strong, mama started working two jobs to support the family. She came home on the school van with her siblings and opened the door to the house, she would get rotis and give them lunch and clean the house, did her home work. She did wear her big chaddar when she went out but they still said bad things to her or touched her as they passed by on the cycle. She cried when she came home, what was the point of being a good girl she thought. Next time a guy touched her she hit him, hit him, hit him till her ran... She felt happy but when she came home and told mama. Mama got angry she said dont do that next time. The next day that man was standing at her gate she was afraid now he knew baba  was not living there......
 Baba did come back after many years, he started  a business he told her she can help him she liked that idea after all she had been helping out at mama's school. She started working for her baba, she felt proud, one day she said to her mama. Mama I want to be a boy, her mama laughed she said you are strong you dont need to be a boy. She said I want to make baba proud. Mama said you dont need to be a boy to do that....
 She made a good friend at the office, he was a boy and he was kind he told her she was smart and she could do anything, for the first time in her life she felt some one saw her, she mattered she was more than just a girl. He told her he wants to marry her, she was happy. She told her mama and baba. They got angry said she was a bad character girl and too young to think about marriage, she should tell her friend to go away. She told him to go away and he left. She was very sad, she cried for days......Her world emplowded the day baba left again. It was eid and she was so sad she cried for the whole time in the bathroom every one said stop crying, dont be so emotional. Baba had sold the car for his ticket, so she had to co ordinate all the trips through baba office van. She was taking care of her youngest sister at home, studying for her A levels helping take care of the house. She would go to baba's office in the evening to help, she felt very lonely and mama was so angry all the time, so frustrated, so stressed, so depressed.. She had to care for bhai too, bhai was getting so violent now, he would hit her a lot, he would break things. She felt so alone, so scared but she told her self she was strong and she had to help her mama.
 Baba's office man had all the authority he was baba's son as baba used to say;he was suppose to give them the money but he was difficult. He did not give them the money and her bhai did not get medicines, so he would have his seizures and blood would spew from his mouth. Mama got scared at those times, mama would cry and she felt so angry at the office man and she felt helpless.  She had to co ordinate everything through the office man, to pick up the siblings, to get the grocery, he would ask her why she was sad and she would tell him she got a scolding from mama and the office man  would be nice to her. She told him she thought he was a nice man, she liked him.
She thought if she was nice and respectful to him he will give them the money but he never did give them money on time, so she would get angry and said some mean things to him.One day he came to pick her up from her tuition center, he took her to another place he said he did not like her and she said that is fine why is he saying things like that to her. He tried to kiss her she pushed him away, but he still did very hard, her lips got swollen. She was very confused, very messed up.
 The next day he came to her house mama was gone to work, the siblings were in school only her youngest sister was home. She was scared and confused why had he come. He said he wanted breakfast she made it for him and went outside in the garden with her sister, she walked for very long with her sister in her lap but it was cold so she finally went in the house. He told her to sit next to him, she felt numb and scared but she sat down. He started to kiss her arms she tried to push him away he grabbed her and pushed her against the window bars.  She felt her legs were like jelly but she tried to run, he pushed her against the hutch cabinets and kept squeezing her body parts, trying to kiss her and she felt as if her soul had left her body and was looking at her from the roof, she felt little, she felt scared but she propelled her self to move and went to the kitchen he came there too she tried to speak but no words would come out she was frozen in fear. It took all her strength to go and get a knife and told him to leave or she will hurt him. He told her to calm down and went to the sitting room. She went to the bathroom she was so confused what was going on with her body. Why was she feeling all these feelings. She did not like this man, he was not her husband. What was going on, why did this always happen to her, she must be a very bad girl no wonder this had happened. She felt dizzy and weak, her legs barely carried her to the sitting room she fell on the sofa and asked him why did he do this, he must repent he must ask for forgiveness.
 He still came to the house, she had to serve him tea. mama was confused why she was so rude to him she asked mama who do you care about me or him, mama said yes yes i dont care about you. She wanted to die, she ate all her fathers heart medication she hoped she will die that night, but she got very sick and she felt she would die but she still did not die.... Even God did not want a girl like her.
  It was mamas birthday she wanted to make it upto mama, she made a beautiful vase and asked the office man to buy it from her. He said he will but she needs to come to the office so he could give her the money she said ok, she went to the office he said to come backside to his rooms. She said promise me you will not do anything he laughed and said ofcourse not my brother and my servant are there come on now i ll give you the money. She went he made her sit down got his servant to bring some drink and as his servant left he closed the door the office man did bad bad things, kept hitting her and she kept saying dont do it stop please stop. He said fix your clothes, go say hello to my brother than here is the money go. She felt dirty very disgusted and yet her body was going through things she did not understand. She called the office man begged him to marry her, told him she will be a dutiful wife and wont tell any one about what had happened. He said he would never marry a girl like her, she was of bad character and anyways he ll make sure to never get her pregnant. She said to herself he may have her body but she was the master of her brain, her heart and her soul. She was very respectful to the office man when he came to the house, she asked him again and again to marry her and one day he told her he will talk to her about it in detail. He took her to his room again and did bad things and after that she stopped trusting him she never let herself be alone with him again. He still came home and she had to serve him tea and biscuits.
 In the summer mama said they had to go to the office again, she said she did not want to go, mama got upset why was she being so difficult, so she thought it will be ok he cant do anything there she went. At first she and the other girls worked in the same room but soon he came and told her he needed her to do some work for him in the other office, so she had to go, she worked by her self for a few days than he started to come and sit in the office with her. He started to do bad things again, she would make her shalwar very tight but he still managed to get his hands in side she would feel aroused and her eyes would start to close and he would tell her to sit up straight not make any faces one day he pushed in too hard she got hurt and she started to bleed. Something inside her broke that day, no more being a nice girl every one took her for some stupid idiotic ass crap. She had to take care of her self no need being a good girl trying to be respectful. IF every one was going to think her a bad girl so fine. She slapped the office man hard and told him to never come near her again.
The office man still came to the house, he started calling mama and blackmailing her. She told mama but mama said it must have been something you did for this to happen. dont go telling any one about it now stay quiet. She did not understand why every one told her she was bad when she always tried to be good.  She could not sleep at night, she would get night mares, cold sweats. She would wake up in fear, she d go and take long cold showers and rub her self till her whole body was red and raw. She prayed, oh she prayed so hard to make this bad stuff stop, make her body stop feeling all these things she did not understand. She kept fighting with her body, she kept blaming her self but one day when she could not sleep she went online and her cousin was there, she told him the story and asked him if he thought she was worthless, she was bad and her cousin said no you are not a piece of membrane or just a body. You are a human being with worth which extends to much much more. You are wonderful and full of worth and your worth does not diminish in my eyes one bit for what has happened. It has only increased.... she felt strong after that, she felt empowered. She told her younger sister about the office man and they made a plan. They recruited one uncle who was the nicest uncle in the world because he had stood by them during some very difficult times they told him how the office man had touched her and how her sister had slapped the office man. She told her sister she was scared but her sister said dont worry i ll be there. They sat on the floor while the uncle got angry with the office man told him to never come near the girls again or he will break his legs. Finally the office man stopped coming home
She struggled with the night terrors, with the fear with her trust of people but she had to be strong for her siblings for her mother. She and her family came to the new country finally to be with baba but things were not easy for them. They lived in a place a little better than a ghetto and the fights between mama and baba still went on. She was smart so she studied hard got a scholarship was going to go to a real good university but than baba did something stupid and she had huge visa issues. Baba said to go back to the home country she said no she will not, they had arguments but she did not budge from her stance. IF she went back she had no future, here she had a shot. Baba had his own reasons and she did not blame him, she did not blame mama and she understood money was tight, bhai was in surgery again but this was her one chance at life. She made a friend;  baba's secretary she got her the ticket, mama got her some money from the uncles and she left to go to the new country. She did not have a coat or a hat when she landed in the -40 degrees celsius weather. She was delayed by two weeks, the semester had started but she hit the ground running. She made it through the semester some how. She vowed to herself she will work her bones raw, she ll eat one meal a day but by god she will make something of herself. She worked very hard, did all kinds of odd jobs. Suffered from home sickness because she could not go back to the other country and no one could come to see her. She had to change a lot really go outside her comfort zone, but that made her sit on the outside and look in to her belief systems and she found many loop holes and much flaws. She tried very hard to hold on and be the good girl but things were unraveling fast. Plus she had this brain which never quit thinking, she was inquisitive, she was brilliant and she was resilient but she was human so she floundered a lot too, she was stressed out of her mind. She was going on very little sleep and food and so when the dark thoughts did not stop for many days and she would not stop crying she went to see the doctor and he told her she had clinical depression. She started medication and started to see a therapist and did the 12 free sessions offered by her school but did not have money to keep going so she had to stop the therapy. However, she kept going, she did not give up made wonderful amazing friends, her sister came things started to look up. She got the degree and she got married, but she still never forgave her self for not making something out of her self a brilliant scientist or a doctor. She was suppose to save the world and here she was married and than the darkness started to seep through the thick wall she had constructed.
      All the memories she had tried to bury deep deep deep so she had even forgotten parts of her self in the process. All she wanted was to make baba proud but he was never happy with her, she felt like a failure she did not have the great job her husbands collegues had, she was fat and ugly and in her mind not that great of a deal for her husband. He told her she was great but she did not believe him and no matter how hard she tried she felt her life getting away from her. One day the dam just broke she cried for days and days she felt she was drowning in a sea of emotions. All the memories started to come back and no matter how hard she tried to push them back they still came. She prayed she cried but nothing made it better. She felt worthless but she had become stronger now much stronger than she was back than, she made a decision she was not going to keep the cycle of abuse going. She was going to get help and she was going to get better. She had a choice she was going to make this a positive thing in her life not let it define her.
   See we always have a choice, good and bad things happen to all of us we all suffer from shame, guilt, fear, anger and much much more. It is important to allow ourselves to feel those emotions also, to get help to put the past in perspective understand the defense mechanisms we build to cope with those times and have the ability to logically see which defenses work and which need to be discarded. WE all are strong and we are much much more than our past or the expectation and approval of others.
    In the end the most important lesson she learned from it all was that we all are human and we all are flawed and God is never in the event but in the after math of those events he is in the forgiveness and in the love and most importantly he is in the humanity and the compassion we give to one another.


 This is the story of a girl I once knew as she had told me. Her identity has been kept confidential for purposes of privacy I hope we can all learn some lessons from this story. Lessons of hope and lesson of resilience.