A long time ago I had a discussion with a few friends about child abuse and rape and most of them were adamant that it did not happen and it did not happen in Pakistan. I wish that was true, I wish that we lived in an Utopian society where every one cared about each other and no one got hurt but unfortunately the reality is much more different. Abuse does take place and it is a lot more common than what we would like to admit.
Incidence of Child sexual abuse goes unreported to a very large extent but experts believe that 1 in 5 girls gets abused and 1 in 20 boys these are statistics I am quoting for the USA(1). Watching a program about child sexual abuse called Satyamay Jaytey, similar statistics were reported in India.
The statistics I was able to find for Pakistan are not that promising either (2) most of the time the abuse is done by people close to the child up-to 80 percent of the cases are by family member or servants.
There is still cause for hope because at the end it is about empowering and education. If we are willing to educate our selves about these topics and help our children feel more confident we will be able to stop things like these from happening. Following are some tips I came up with and a few articles which i feel are very beneficial on the topic.
Sexual abuse does not only happen to girls, it happen to boys as well and the predators generally target children who are emotionally vulnerable. So the most important thing we can do for our kids is to ensure them that they are important, they matter and they are loved. To accept them and love them for who they are and the way to do that is to give them our attention, if your child comes to you to say something, look at him, turn towards him give him your 100% attention and listen to him and talk to him or her. When we make them believe that the little things are important they will come to us for the big things too.
Lets deal with our own personal problems and give our kids solid marriages. I read a quote on time which said the best thing a father can do for his kids is to love their mother. Children are very intuitive they sense things and much more than we give them credit for if we have an unhappy relationship our kids sense that and it affects them a lot. Children automatically feel they are an extension of their parents and if they feel something a miss in the marriage and the parents unhappy most of the time they will conclude it is because of something they did and this can play havoc on their confidence and self esteem.
Marriage is work and so is parenting and these things change over time from generation to generation so what worked for our parents may not work for us. Have the courage to get help if there are problems with the relationship or if you are struggling with your own issues, that is the mark of being mature and being an adult; taking responsibility for your self and getting help when needed, no one can do it all alone.
Children who are in abusive homes are much more likely to be a target of abuse them selves.
"When traumatic incident is repeated as with physical abuse, domestic violence, incest or torture,mental, emotional and behavioral strategies for coping can become habituated, closing off the possibility of exercising other options, even in less stressful circumstances. Those who are molested or beaten as children or teenagers might late be vulnerable to sexual abuse or violence, because their natural impulses to protect themselves and protest (physical and verbal ) were extinguished. Expectation of hurtful treatment by others or one's own failed capabilities can stubbornly persist despite over whelming evidence that such is no longer the case. Behaviors and beliefs conditioned during traumatic events seem to have a greater enduring power than those conditioned under lesser degrees of stress " (3)
Here are some key tips for protecting our children there are more detailed articles at the end of this blog post if you are interested in educating your self about this topic.
1. Help children develop boundaries, teach them to ask permission before embracing a play mate and allow them to make up their own mind if they wish to embrace some one whether a playmate or an adult, do not force them.
2. Talk to your children, make eye contact with them don't just brush their questions aside. This goes for both mom and dads
3. Teach your children that No and Stop are important words and will be honored if he/ she speaks them and to honor them if others say them also. Give them the opportunity to make choices for them selves in every day life in terms of clothes, shoes, books etc so they know their opinion is validated and it matters.
4. Teach them to wash their own genitals during wash times or ask permission when you touch them
5. Give your child the confidence to come talk to you if he feels uncomfortable with any one and if he tells you give his voice an importance.
6. Teach your children about their bodies, talk to them about it and use proper biology words, if we tell our child an elbow is an elbow a hand is a hand than tell them a breast is a breast dont use some other word for it. Use biological words for the genitals and talk about it all with confidence don't feel ashamed, if they know you will not ridicule them and give them proper information they will come to you for the information when they are older rather than scouring the internet or getting it from friends. You cannot control what they will get if it is coming from others.
7. Teach them to shout and scream and come to you if they are touched inappropriately by some one.
8. Enroll them in self defence classes if possible and definitely encourage girls to participate in sports. Sports help build confidence and self- reliance.
9. Help them build a good self image, especially about their bodies don't focus on being thin but on being healthy and young girls look to their mothers for this, so please ladies get off the i need to be a super model unattainable model of thin and focus on being healthy.
This is my list I hope it helps and gives you a springing board to do more of your own research.
1. (http://www.victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/child-sexual-abuse-statistics).
2. (http://www.dawn.com/news/1115058/my-stolen-childhood).
3. The body remembers they psycho physiology of trauma and trauma treatment. By Babette Rothschild.
Here are links to some very good articles which talk about how to talk with our children about sex and to help them set good boundaries.
1. http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/03/teaching-kids-consent-ages-1-21/
2. http://www.yowoto.com/posts/5-lessons-im-going-to-teach-my-indian-daughter
3. http://www.amightygirl.com/blog?p=2006
4, http://goodmenproject.com/good-feed-blog/25-failsafe-rules-for-dads-raising-daughters/
Resources about sexual abuse and how to help victims/survivors.
1. https://1in6.org/therapists-and-other-professionals/myths-facts/
2. This had a list of centers in Pakistan working for victims/survivors of sexual abuse. http://www.dawn.com/news/1115058/my-stolen-childhood
3. http://www.100conversations.org/
4.http://slutwalkseattle.com/allies excellent resource with alot of websites.
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