Sometimes love is just not enough

 

I was 11 years old when my dad left. Its a long story as why he had to leave and I am getting the grasp of it all as I get older but well this is from the point of view of that 11 year old girl who slept at night with her dad in the house and the next morning woke up to find him gone. Every day I waited for him for his phone calls but non came. A lot happened in that time period we left that house and moved to many others. Mom found jobs to keep it all going. I sometimes wonder how she did it, it takes a herculean amount of strength to raise kids as a single parent in a country like Pakistan and that too with girls and a special needs boy.  

That leaving has left such a scar that even after he came back in my life, it's been hard for me to mediate relationships, friendships any kind of ships hahaha. I love too hard I think hoping this time that person will value me enough to not leave. But people my friends always leave no one can stick around even if they wanted to I guess. Life is so uncertain anyway you wish that people would do things a certain way but they do not until they feel they are ready or whatever they cannot make that commitment, make that move or any number of things. 

Its the uncertainty that kill  you. How do you keep carrying on when you dont know if its worth it. Will it be different this time round. Then the whole thing with self respect comes online too how much do i give, how much is enough. As a woman everyone blames you if the marriage falls apart, you could have tried harder they will tell you. How much harder, and for what. Everyone will have an opinion. You try not to look like a total nut job with every thing you are going through. Keep it together smile, pretend, laugh, work. It will get better you keep repeating it like an anthem. Will things really get better. We prize our women to stay silent, the more silent they are the better. Chup Raho. Ghar ki baat hai. IF you do talk people around you will look at you with disdane. If you invite them they will make some excuse to not meet you. So yeah you have the scarlet letter now, you are the fallen woman. I guess the smart thing to do in these times is get up and say well Fuck this i am out. But i dont know why the fuck i still stick around hoping this time it will be different. I read today people who never move never see their chains. I see the chains so i will move and i ll move and i ll move and i ll move until these chains break. Because i wont be silenced not any more. 

Friendships.....

I have been doing a lot of self awareness and healing work these days. I guess in the bustle of life, I had a little bit of a breather where I am not taking classes, the kids are fairly occupied so these days I can sit with my thoughts and make sense of them.

I have been thinking about friendships lately. Friendships are extremely important relationships that goes without saying but how important they have been to me lately was something I had not realized.
Friendship has so many facets, we have to be our own best friends before we can even begin to extend this gift to any one else. I feel most of the time we fail to do that, we are critical of our own selves, we shame our selves we are impatient with our selves and we do not extent a lot of love to our selves.  That is one thing I am actively trying to change.

Than there is the friendship between spouses. This is the most important friendship you will have in your entire life, I had read somewhere marry the person you love talking to because after the initial high fades its important to have that space where you can talk about anything. This requires a lot of courage because true friendship cannot exist without the capacity to be vulnerable with one another. Without truly allowing your self to be seen and feeling accepted relationships get stagnant. People become creatures of habit they are required to wear a constant facade, their relationships become routine and superficial.  For any true friendship to take place we have to have the capacity to be vulnerable and to be accepting of our own selves. When we are our own best friends and are accepting of our own selves we will have the capacity to extend that acceptance to others and most importantly to our partners.

I for one has always needed friends, people I can talk to openly about my challenges and triumphs. I guess for one things I am a person who needs to talk it out or write it out to process whatever I am going through. So yes over the years there have been friends whom I have leaned on for support. Most recently there has been some wonderful humans whom I have shared cups of tea with and spoken to length with about my trials and triumphs. I think the best gift we can give anyone is the gift of our time and presence. When some one is going through a rough patch, the best thing you can do is just listen and offer them a space without judgement, I have been very blessed to have had friends who gave me that. They were a witness to my life by listening to me by letting me cry and laugh and just be me.

I have met so many amazing girls and boys, men and women in my life journey so far. Some friends I know now,  I truly wish I had known when I was a younger and without the constraints of adult responsibilities we would have had some pretty mean adventures. We 'd have climbed trees and played hop scotch, talked well into the night over the phone and analyzed everything under the sun.

Some of our closest friendships are with our siblings and cousins, I have had those too. People I relied on and who no matter how far they are took the time to listen and be present. You see a true friendship cannot occur with masks and facades it requires us to be willing to let go of the fantasy version of our selves and of another. It requires us to be able to be seen in all our rawness.

For me personally a friendship is a precious thing. In the words of William J. Bennett

"Friendship is more than acquaintance, and it involves more than affection. Friendship usually rises out of mutual interests and common aims, and these pursuits are strengthened by the benevolent impulses that sooner or later grow. The demands of friendship frankness, for self-revelation, for taking friends' criticisms as seriously as their expressions of admiration or praise, for stand-by-me loyalty, and for assistance to the point of self-sacrifice are all potent encouragements to moral maturation and even ennoblement.

In our age, when casual acquaintance often comes so easily, and when intimacy comes too soon and too cheaply, we need to be reminded that genuine friendships take time. They take effort to make and work to keep. Friendship is a deep thing."

To all my dear dear friends old and new know that you are loved, you are seen and you matter. Today think about all the things that you love about your self and start being your own best friend. :)

Emotion, what is it?

The first time I entered into a therapist office, racked with fear. Having panic attacks which were crippling my day to day living. I went in and said to her, please help me. I do not want to feel. She looked at me and replied, you have to feel my dear. Emotions are not good or bad.  These words started a long journey for me. I learnt a lot about emotional health, about brain science, about challenging emotions and trauma and how it manifests in our body. How all this affects our day to day lives and interactions.
 I hope to share some of those insights with you, with the hope that it will help you on your journey to more wholesome living. Lets start with the basics, our brain is pretty complex but if we were to draw a very basic model for the brain we can divide it into three distinct parts. The brain stem, the limbic brain and the neocortex. The brain stem and limbic brain are the more ancient brain structures and they sit under the realm of conscious. They comprise of the subconscious, each brain system evolved to regulate the lower brain system so there is a top down and a bottom up regulation going on in our body.
Mostly the brain stem functions involve all the body functions that are not under our conscious control like breathing, heart beat etc. One of the main functions of the brain stem is to signal the higher brain and body that it is safe. They way it does this is by constantly scanning the environment for anything that reminds the body of threat and safety.  The only input the brain is getting from the brain stem is am I safe or am I not safe.
Next up is the limbic brain, this part of the brain is responsible for the emotional response in our body. It produces these emotional responses in the form of physical sensations in our body. This part of the brain is also not under conscious control and its main purpose is help make sense of a safe or threat response. Our subconscious brains respond faster than our conscious analytical brain almost 5 times faster, especially when it perceives a threat in the environment, this may be a real threat like a bear in the forest or a perceived threat such as a past experience which brings out a similar body response of elevated heart beat or other physical manifestation. Think of this as what happens when one is near a hot object, your body recoils before you even have time to process that you are in danger.
We have all heard comments like, oh so and so is so emotional... well I have news for you folks. We all are emotional because emotions are biological responses of our body. Its like the response we have in our body to hunger or thirst. The only one who is not emotional is a dead person or a robot and as more and more robots get advanced I think it wont be long before even robots become emotional.
 Biologically an emotional response is this, we receive a stimulus from the environment this produces a electric response in our brain, this electric response produces a chemical response in our body in the shape of hormones and chemicals these in turn produce an energetic response in our body. This energetic response can be felt in a myriad of physical sensations. In the case of challenging emotions like anger, sadness and anxiety these get manifested in our body with sensations such as butterfly like feelings in stomach, tightening of the chest, tightening of facial muscles, numbness in legs and other sensations. Emotions are the body signals to help us understand if we are safe or in threat and they have a biological purpose.
We do not control emotions, our emotions are our own and no one can read our emotional state unless we talk about it with them. People tend to numb or distance them selves from challenging emotions and this has dire consequences. When we do not acknowledge our emotional states they tend to fester and cause us undue grief. Sometimes when we are facing a difficult emotion we tend to project it onto another in the hope that it will make us feel less powerless and less uncomfortable, or we use other methods to numb and distance ourselves from the challenging emotions. Different people use different methods but denial is a very common strategy, pretend it is not there and it will disappear. Numbing using electronics, food, drugs or codependence on another are other common strategy to coping with challenging emotions.
How do we break this cycle? The most important thing to learn is cultivating presence and having the capacity to sit with our emotional states without attaching any judgment or value to them. Think of this like soothing a child when they are upset, just listen to your body sensations and allow your self to go through the cycle of activation to calm. Allow your self to feel and do not attach any meaning to how and what you are feeling. This takes practice just like we learn to eat, cloth our selves, ride a bike or a car. We can learn to be present with our emotional states and nurture them without judgement. This is the first step to developing self awareness so that we are better able to recognize our triggered emotional states.
The second step is to verbalize how we are feeling or write what we are feeling, this allows our thinking brain to start processing the emotions and making sense of them. This also helps us to be in a better position to ask for the support we may need because remember no one can read your mind or your emotional state. 

An ode to eyes

An ode to Eyes

Eyes deep, dark intense
Beautiful eyes full of passion
Eyes looking into my soul
One look and I feel Whole
Eyes carrying within;
Golden warmth of the winter sun
Eyes like an angel
With the curiosity of a child
Eyes ,pools of desire.
Looking across a crowded room
They pierce right through
waking up from a slumber deep
Full of energy, full of promises
You feel seen.

voices on the bridge.

Nimal looked at her son sleeping peaceful. His  feathery baby breaths felt comforting on her cheek, but the rest of her body felt like it was on fire shards of glass were coursing through her veins. She knew it will be a long long night again. Her PTSD symptoms were back  the same insomnia, the anxiety gnawing at her; butterflies in her stomach. Lots of times she was playing happily with her son but soon she would have a blank look on her face and would no longer be present because being present in her body was painful, checking out was easier.  She took a deep breadth and came out of her room, it was dark in the living room she sat down on her couch and started sobbing at that moment she felt another presence she looked up and saw her sitting on the chair next to the window. "Who are you?" " how did you get in here?"asked Nimal She looked up and said I come here often, I used to live here in 1883 before I died after jumping off the Golden Gate bridge, look how beautiful it looks from this window glistening in the moonlight.

 "You mean you are dead?"" Yes, yes that I am she laughed a raspy dry laugh. Although I died a long time before I jumped off that bridge, some what like you I was an insomniac, anxiety ridden individual after that incident that but no one wanted to listen to my truth so i kept burying it until I could no longer keep it inside, it started to eat me until I was just a walking shell of a woman and than one day that did not seem enough so I committed suicide." "Will you be witness to my truth now Nimal? will you listen to what I have to say"." Yes, I will listen to you tell me your truth," said Nimal.

 Well its a long story but I ll give you the shorter version, see sometimes you just need a friend some one who listens without judgment. Most of my life I had moved every few years I had to move and start over my parents marriage was not the best and with the financial situation always in a rut, life was a struggle and I guess the thing was I had no one who I could share my experiences with because no could really relate and with moving and trying to make new friends every few years, trying to fit in. I got good at it to I was a chameleon I could read people know what they wanted and I knew how to endear my self to people.

 I was in my teens when dad passed away and what little stability we had was gone too, I moved to  San Francisco and took up a job at a factory to help my family it was there that I met him. He was my first love the boy with the golden eyes I still remember him looking at me across the factory floor and I felt as if time stood still everything faded into the distance and for the first time in my life I felt I existed..... we became very good friends mainly because he listened and he was authentic, he was present and he gave me parts of himself just like I gave him parts of me. Parts I had never dared to show others he was the sun in those long gloomy days of back breaking work and loneliness but then he had to leave his family needed him back and he had to go.

It was around that time that the factory owner started showing interest in me, see I skipped a part I did not tell you the factory owner was a very good family friend and he had given me the job as a way to help. They say you don't kick a person when he is down but that is just what he did. He had always known all the family drama he knew how I felt about the boy in the factory I thought he was a kind man who wanted to help me little did I know there was a sick twisted man in that body.

 I had always been the girl who was the friend, every one who needed to talk knew where to find me and have a shoulder to cry on but I was never the girl any one found attractive yes in high school and college I was the girl who had vicious rumor spread about her, that I put out easy and I had fucked a bunch of guys I knew nothing about which was all untrue of course but who cares to check gossip. Its all fun and games who gets hurt no one cared. Anyway I transgress, he started to dock my salaries and naive me thought I could make him see his wrong ways.

 I talked to him asked him to help when that did not work, I become friendlier a little flirty too I guess. I don't know what was I suppose to do, I was all alone nursing a broken heart i had no friends and I felt trapped the only thing I wanted to do was help my mom make ends meet and I guess I was messed up a hundred different ways and he knew it so he used it against me for his own twisted fun.

The first time it happened he came to my house and asked me to make him breakfast I go over that scene so many times, I think about how he timed it so perfectly knew just when to come and I go over it so many times if I had only not let him in, not opened the door but well I did let him in I opened the door. He asked me to make him breakfast so I did and than I left to go outside I walked in the morning cold for a long time hoping he will leave but he did not, So I went back in and there he was sitting he asked me to sit in the chair opposite to his, I did and he took my hand in his and said you have beautiful hands I love the way your skin is so translucent one can see the blue of your veins right through. I had tried to take my hand away but he grabbed it and pushed me up, I tried to twist out of his grasp but he pushed me against the window and kept one pushing me with his body. He kept squeezing my breasts and fondling them I tried to run away again and every time he would grab me and push me harder against the wall or the window and I guess it was at that time that something broke inside of me, I felt I could not run and if I did I might end up in more trouble than I already was I felt as if I was no longer in my body I was floating on top of the scene watching him grabbing me touching me my legs felt like jelly I got wet and I was completely numb I did not understand what was happening to my body and why it was acting this way. I tried once again to get out of his grip and made it to the kitchen and there I took out a knife and threatened him with it. He finally left me alone.
It was not the only time, he still kept coming to my house and doing whatever he could when ever he could. I have asked my self a hundred times why did I let him do it, why did I not stop and you know it was because he knew how to keep me in his web he made me believe it was all my own fault. I was an unlovable human being who was dirty and disgusting and deserved to be treated like a slut and I guess all the things that had led me to that point in my life all the silly rumors I had been the butt of I too believed him I was a nasty girl who deserved what I was getting. You know people sometimes mistake rape to be a crime of passion it is not, it's all about control it all about taking some one humanity, its about power. Cold raw hard as steel power. I started to beg him to marry me I told him I won't ever tell any one anything just please marry me but all he said was I ll make sure you never get pregnant so there is no reason for us to get married.

There is so much he did that just the memories overwhelm me the hand job where he came all over my clothes his insistence to fuck me with his hands and go in so hard that it ended up breaking me till I bled. The physical abuse one can deal with but the constant mental torture is what hurts more, the mind games the entrapments no matter what I did I could not get away from him. He literally flaunted it in my face he could fuck me in front of people and no one could do anything to stop it me nor any one else he d make me sit in his office and hand fuck me, I can still feel his leacherous gaze, his cold clammy hands going into my pants and touching me till I was wet as fuck, uncomfortable horny in pain but he did not care I was just a fuck toy, nothing more than a tissue paper to be used and discarded I could not do anything even a change in expression was enough to enrage him, shut your fucking mouth keep your face straight. I used to feel in limbo my body was feeling pleasure yet pain and the emotional pain I was feeling I wanted to cry and I guess I did silent quiet tears which I was afraid to shed too scared too ashamed too everything and yet there would be people walking outside looking through into the window and no one did anything.

 I had night mares for so many nights I d wake up in a sweat and I d go and shower in cold cold water scrubbing my self till my skin was raw. Some how make the dirt wash off but it never did what was harder was dealing with my own body it seemed some one had opened up a monster inside me I was horny all the time and i did not understand how to get any relief and more than that I hated it. My body became my enemy and  this body these feelings which are meant to give us pleasure and happiness. Desire that is a beautiful wonderful thing became torture for me and the worst thing in my mind was that  I could not control it I could not make my body stop. Of course its biology one cannot make desire stop any more than one can stop hunger or thirst but yet the culture and religions insist that one has all control over all this.

I had tried to reach out to people in that time but it seemed no one really cared and I was hurting so much my body my mind and it felt there was no out. You see that is why people kill them selves when the pain on the inside grows so much bigger than the pain of dying. So one night I walked onto the golden gate bridge it was windy and a light drizzle was falling I climbed up on the side and looked down I was scared for one second but it lasted only for that one second and than I jumped the water felt cold as ice sharp and than I felt nothing I was suffocating deeper and deeper I went thanks to the suitcase I had tied to my legs, I had thought I will find peace in death but there too I was wrong, so i come to this house most nights trying to find my peace, thank you for listening Nimal thank you for hearing my truth. You have helped me to find my peace. 

Be an agent of change.

I am feeling humbled, in awe and overwhelmed all together at the moment. I ll tell you why, this past week I had the privilege to volunteer for two organizations whose work resonates with me.
One is called SFWAR ( San Francisco Women Against Rape) and the other is TCF (The citizens foundation.)
 SFWAR is a community based rape crisis center, They are a women of color led organization a large number of volunteers working with this organization are rape survivors them selves. These facts alone just blow my mind, a few days ago I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and we were talking about the importance of role models, how we women of color do not see a lot of women in places of leadership and how much difference it makes when you do have such role models. When you see women and women of color in places of power and leadership you are able to imagine your self in those shoes and believe that it is a possibility that those positions are not just reserved for white men or just men.
 SFWAR's  work addresses sexual assault in two ways; by providing direct services to sexual assault survivors, their families and friends, and by using community organization and education as tools of prevention, they believe that rape takes place in the larger social context that condones inter-personal and institutional abuses of power and oppression of marginalized groups. SFWAR believes a world without rape is possible only when we challenge the existing paradigms, confronting the root causes of violence and support the development of community derived and driven initiatives the emphasize collective responsibility, healing and transformation.
 TCF is working in the education sector. It was started by 5 Overseas Pakistanis who at the time pooled their resources to build 5 schools in some of the most under-privileged areas of Pakistan. Those 5 schools have now come to be 1441 schools which have a current enrollment of 204,000 children. There is still a lot more to be done as approximately 24 million children are not in school in Pakistan. TCF mission is to remove barriers of class and privileges to make the citizens of Pakistan agents of positive change. TCF has an impressive TCF in a box model whereby all the schools are state of art purpose built campuses. They have a sliding scale fee structure whereby the students enrolled feel empowered and feel they are a part of the organization. All the teachers are female and they are well trained and 50% of the student enrollment is females.
It is a known fact that education is one factor alone that can bring about wide- ranging benefits to society and accelerates social change, it has a positive impact on all parameters, may it be health, enabling individuals to perform better in the workforce and promotion of good citizenship. Education helps to contain violence and with the TCF model where 50% of the students and all the teaching staff are female it ensures women empowerment.
 This week being around highly accomplished and motivated individuals working selflessly to further the causes of education and to end violence I felt encouraged and inspired but at the same time i also felt overwhelmed. I felt overwhelmed by the magnitude of the issues these organizations are trying to fight, will we in our lifetimes be able to end the violence against women and against the marginalized groups. Will there be a time when every child will have access to good education regardless of gender and socioeconomic conditions. As I grappled with these questions I felt a sense of dejection, I also felt like an impostor, why was i given all this privilege its all luck of the draw really. I could have just as easily been born in an impoverished family who were unable to provide for me. I think a lot of times the reasons we do not want to think about these bigger issues is because we feel we cannot make any difference and that is a very disempowering and sad feeling. Yes it is also true that in the day to day lives of keeping homes running, kids, spouses, jobs, schools and friends a lot of times we do not have any time left over to spend on any kind of worthy causes so we just shrug our shoulders when we see poverty and we see gender inequality and take it as a sad part of life and keep going.
 This does not have to be the case, yes we may not be able to solve these problems in our lifetime but maybe we can make some difference and as long as the ball keepsrolling and there is positive change there is hope.
 What can we as an individual do you may ask. I would like to invite you to look into these organizations SFWAR, TCF and if their message resonates with you as well, give these organizations your time, give them your money and if nothing else educate your self about these issues and talk about them with your friends and families. If these are not causes you feel passionately about find the causes that move you, whether it is a disease which needs more research on it, whether it is climate change or access to clean water what ever it is get involved in it because social change begins with you, with me with us all. This is a tiny planet that we all share in the bigger scheme of things its just a tiny planet in the midst of this huge galaxy on which we all live, lets find it in our hearts to live in peace and harmony with each other because honestly this is all we have.
http://www.sfwar.org/
support.tcf.org.pk
http://www.tcf.org.pk/ 

A picture.

Mona sat on the bench staring out at the ocean. The waves came rushing towards the shore like race horses come crashing through the gates on race day, the waves roared like spirited animals only to splinter like crystal shards on the jagged rocks. The wind was howling and the rain felt like little barbs on her bare skin as she stood transfixed next to the wall at ocean beach. The rain this year had been relentless and suffering from cabin fever she had taken the opportunity to go for her daily run while the kids were taking their afternoon nap and her husband was home. This scene reminded her of the picture she had seen some months ago at an art gallery on one of her daily "excursions" as she liked to call it, while her baby girl slept in her stroller and she got a much needed break from the incessant house work, crying children, dirty diapers and spilled food cycle. She took a walk and explored some borough of the beautiful city by the bay.
   Mona had recently moved to San Francisco with her family, her husband had gotten a good job there so they had followed the money trail. Settling in a new city was hard, trying to find like minded friends was even harder. Now, when she had decided to be a stay at home mom for her four precocious little children. The twins girl and boy were 8 and went to school, the baby girl was 5 months and than there was the mischievous 3 year old boy who had thankfully started pre-school so now her afternoons were a little free.
   She bought her mind to the present and looked at her watch, her pace was improving soon she would be able to compete in the half marathon she had been training for. She was reminded of that picture in the gallery again, in a funny way she had made a connection with that art, it felt as if the artist was reading her soul when he had painted that scene. The wild untamed desire she sometimes felt inside almost bursting through her just like the waves crashing on the rocks, surprisingly the artists name had stuck with her all these months it was a poetic name "Shehryar". She let the name roll over her tongue saying it again and again like a caress, she felt a little giddy saying it. It almost felt like a school girl crush, was it possible she thought for a married women of four children to feel such desire for some one she had not even met? Pushing her thoughts aside she started to run again her legs pumped faster and faster as the rain pelted down mercilessly.
  She did not know a lot of people at the party save for a couple of friends, who themselves were busy mingling, she was looking outside the window deep in thought when she felt some one watching her, she turned and her eyes locked with his across the room. It felt as if time had stood still and everyone in that room disappeared, it felt as if he could see all the way through to her soul. The affection in his eyes was unmistakable, but who was he she wondered? he started to come towards her and introduced himself," Hello I am Shehryar." She grinned wow could this be for real, "Are you a painter?"" Yes, I am", he replied. "I saw some of your work at the gallery in downtown."She said, "I really connected with the art." Who are you here with" he asked, "my husband" she replied "it is some office party."
   He felt as if some one had thrown cold water all over him. The desire he had felt upon seeing her, the lust she had enlivened quickly got trampled upon. He wanted to see her again but now the conventions of social norms would prevent him from doing so, yet this thought of social protocol, morality and modesty further heightened his desire to get to know her. He would need to be careful and keep his distance he thought.
 "I am Mona, by the way. we recently moved into the bay area."" Oh, really that is wonderful. I live in North beach my workshop is there also, if you would ever like to come see my art here is my card,"Shehryar said as he extended his hand towards her, she took the card and in doing so their hands lightly brushed. She quickly lowered her gaze as she felt a tingling up her arm and felt heat all the way to her face. "It was nice to meet you she said as she quickly turned to leave," hoping against hope that he had not glimpsed her nervous reaction. What had gotten into her she wondered, why did this man have such an affect on her, she was a happily married woman and no one had plucked at her desire quite like this before. She will never see him again and this thought made her happy yet melancholic at the same time.
 A few days later she was walking through the North beach neighborhood when she saw the picture in his gallery it was calligraphy juxtaposed onto the scene from the night of the party, the same colors the same silhouette of people but what were those words she went in to get a closer look they were words for love, the beloved, the lover in oh so many languages she felt shy as if the painting was meant for her and against her better judgment she opened the door and went into the gallery. She saw his profile as he painted another tumultuous scene of the ocean. She looked at his hands which were covered in paint, she liked the look of his hands they were smooth with neat round nails. Hands more like a surgeon than an artist, not the traditional long lanky fingers one associated with artists. She stood there transfixed by his energy as he worked on his canvas. Such an interesting sensation she thought to just feel happiness being in some one's presence.
 He looked up from his work and saw her, a grin broke over his face. "I had a feeling you will show up at my door one of these days. How are you doing? how have your days and night been treating you", he said. She felt a blush come over her face, she looked at him through hooded eyes wondering if he had felt the same desire as she had. Was he too having sleepless nights and felt himself thinking of her at random times during the day like she felt for him. She smiled and replied "they have not been going particularly well I am afraid." He smiled back and said," I am in the same boat as you. Would you like to join me for a cup of coffee, there is a really good coffee place not two blocks from here." "Yes I would love to, I cant stay long though the baby will wake up soon."Mona said.
   They both ordered a cafe au lait and sat sipping it in silence for a while savoring the taste and each others presence. She looked at him and asked," how does it taste," he flung back his head and laughed "pretty similar to yours I am sure,"" no no I want to know how it tastes to you describe it to me."she said.  Well he said looking deep into her eyes, "it tastes warm, comforting yet sensuous on my tongue." His eyes took on a soft languid look as he said these words. "Now you tell me how does it taste to you Mona."
"It tastes like liquid amber, cinnamon sweet and rich. Tell me Shehryar that painting in your window, the one of the office party, who did you have in mind when you painted that." Shehryar looked at her "you dont know Mona," he asked. She giggled;"well I can venture a guess I some times feel you are talking to me that we are connecting even though we are far apart."" I know what you mean,"  he said, "its like there is some deeper connection, some telepathy between us right as if we share some epipheny which only me and you can understand."
 "I am glad you said that Shehryar , I felt maybe it was only my imagination,"Mona said. "This sexual chemistry between us is almost palpable my cherie, how could I not have felt it. From the moment I saw you the first time I felt I had known you and I had to know you Mona". In my case Shehryar it is even more absurd, "I felt desire for you when I saw your painting at an art gallery."" Mona I need to see you, will you come to me." he asked with deep longing.
She looked at him desire coursing through her body like hot liquid lava, she so wanted to say yes but family, convention, morality, society all stood in front of her like sentries on guard. She looked at him with tears in her eyes. "I want to Shehryar but you know as well as I that it cannot be, this must be our one and final meeting." She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, she felt his stubble rub against her soft skin. He took her hand in his and caressed it with his thumb as he leaned in to kiss her neck he smelled jasmine, rose and lillies on her skin all the scents mingled into a lusty animalistic concoction in his mind. I wont ever be able to get this smell off of me he said to her as she rose to leave.

Letter to myself from my 92 year old self

Dear Fatima,

Life has been good and I am incredibly proud of all the work you have done. It takes a lot of courage to look deep within yourself. To take responsibilities for yourself and do something about it. You had set a road map for yourself to work on your emotional health, that was very hard but you did it. You took charge of your health and your spiritual health. You have raised your family well and accomplished many challenges you had set for you self. I am tremendously proud of everything. In my time on earth these are a few things I have learnt which will keep you in good stead. The most important thing to remember is human dignity.  Human dignity by its very meaning is the idea that all humans are deserving of respect, love and recognition regardless of gender, race, color, creed, caste, religion or any other distinctions. They deserved to be treated well because all humans have inherent worth and it does not have to be earned by status, class, culture or creed. If we all started to treat each other well simply because we are human and not keep creating divisions amongst each other based on nationality, class, culture, sex, gender, creed, and religion there can be peace on earth.

Have tolerance because tolerance simply means to allow another person to have a point of view. It may be completely opposite to your point of view but you allow it to exist, you do not have to agree with it and you do not have to like it but you have to allow it. Have compassion because everyone is fighting a battle some publicly most privately. Don't Judge any one: we all experience life differently and in our limited perspectives we cannot always know how the other person experienced something so therefore we cannot sit or stand in judgement of any one. There is always going to be difference of opinion so let’s just take it as that a difference of opinion and not as absolute truths which we need to fight over to death. Forgive, I have learnt that forgiveness is not always for the person we are forgiving. It is more for us, when we forgive we are able to move on and able to let go. When we forgive we are allowing positive feelings to replace negative feelings. Positivity breeds hope, while negativity breeds despair and anguish. It is as if a wound has been bandaged and you can heal.

Don't give up on your dreams, no matter how old you get, there should always be goals you want to attain and so go for them, don't make excuses just go for it. It is better to lose trying than not try at all. We all have such visions for our future and dreams when we are younger, keep those visions alive you can never know when something will get fulfilled unless you give it your best shot. When you reach my age you will regret the things you did not do much more than the things you did. Treat everyone you meet as if you are going to die that day, give them your best side. This is especially true for our children and significant others because they are the ones who get the worst of our moods. Relationships are the most important things in our lives, make them count give them time and nurture them, good relationships breed happiness. Although we may think power and money is something that will give us higher satisfaction but I think in life happiness is far more important than any other thing and happiness comes from people in our lives not necessarily from things.

A life well lived is far more important than a well preserved body and face. I am not saying that one should let themselves go but I do believe constantly obsessing over every year that is added to our lives, every wrinkle, every fat cell, every gray hair is just not worth the hassle. There are many people in this world who do not have the privilege of getting old. There are those who get old but do not experience anything i.e. patients in comas, people with major brain damage. Take care of your health your mind, your body and your spiritual health. Have gratitude, thank each day you are alive and get to live on this beautiful earth with the wonderful people in your life, your family, your friends and all you meet.

Don’t look back and have regrets, live in the present and enjoy the blessings of each day. Live your life don’t just spend it. 

What my life will be in 5 years or so I think

06/15/2021

Dear Diary,

I am feeling quite accomplished right now. The journey I began 5 years ago has been so fulfilling. It is true what they say the biggest investments we make is in our own selves, our health, our mind and our relationships. It is amazing what one is able to accomplish when one follows their own passions.

It is a glorious day today in San Francisco as I sit on my balcony gazing at the beautiful golden gate bridge. The view from this sea cliff home is so breathtaking, it mesmerizes me to no end no matter how many times I look at it. The last week has been pretty tough and I surely need this warm cup of chamomile tea to help my achy muscles, I did my fifth tough mudder challenge with Teresa and her team and it was AWESOME!!! I never could have imagined when I started training that one day my body would be this strong, the first time I did the challenge I had to forego quite a few obstacles because I was sure I would not be able to complete them. In the last few years, with my regular kickboxing training and KungFu training my body has gained strength in leaps and bounds. Not only is my body stronger but my mind is so much clearer, I am not stressed or anxious about the future. I have more confidence than I have had in a long long time. My KungFu instructor has told me in another year I will be ready to take my test and if I clear them I may start teaching students with him, that is a good start I want to eventually be able to train young girls and women in KungFu and kick boxing so they too maybe able to find this confidence.

Yes Diary I have been busy with all the energy I was able to harness from the training I started with Teresa, I was able to start learning new languages and computer programming. I have mastered French and Spanish. This year I will start Arabic and then it will be Mandarin my hardest languages to master yet but I am confident I can do it. I who at one time felt like a complete fool sitting in front of a computer can now program pretty well and gotten a handle on math too the subject  I was most afraid of throughout high school and college. All this has helped me to realize my dream of pursuing a PhD, so yes dear diary this Fall I will start my post doc degree in psychology and get my family therapy license. All this time I have been steadily building my knowledge base on the subject of trauma and how it affects us, learning techniques which can help and I feel in a few years I will be ready to start my own practice.

All three kids are doing so well everyone will be starting school this fall. Both the older ones going to Public school and the youngest going to Preschool. I am excited to start this new chapter in my life and explore all the new adventures that are in store for me.

Battles within.

Some battles are external and when we win those we can show the world. We can display the certificates and the medals with honor, but there are many battles which are internal and when we win those we may never be able to take the adulation of the crowd. One such battle is mental illness. In the USA the culture surrounding mental illnesses are slowly but surely shifting, people are beginning to realize what havoc they play on families and the person suffering from them.
 The case for mental illnesses in the Asian communities and the South Asian communities in particular is not the same. The culture of keeping face and honor takes precedence over everything in the culture and that is the reason many people are left floundering trying to find support when they are dealing with mental illness. When some one has an injury no one tells them to just keep a stiff upper lip and forget about it. If some one cut their hand and was bleeding all over the place you won't tell them to just ignore it, if that person was to say Oh, its nothing it will get better on its own you will think that person is not in their right senses and will probably drive them to the nearest hospital why is mental illness any different.
 Depression is known to kill too and  a person suffering from any mental disorder whether its depression, anxiety, panic disorders or any other thing is hurting just as much or more than a person bleeding. Its important to start challenging the narrative around these issues and diffusing the stigma around them so more people have the courage to share their stories and to seek help when they need it.
Having a problem is never the problem, refusing to see there is a problem and refusing to seek help and fix it are a much bigger issue. It takes a lot of work and dedication to deal with mental health issues. Mental health does not just affect the one person it affects every one surrounding that person. One such example is the case of post-partum depression, it not only affects the mother it affects her child or children. It is not something one can just snap out of and if some one has post-partum depression or clinical depression in general it does not mean they are weak. Our brain is an organ just like any other organ in our body if some one gets a heart attack we don't say oh he is weak then why must we say that about mental disease. If some one has heart disease he takes medication for it and makes life style changes and finds support in their communities to help them. It has to be the same for mental illness, a person suffering from mental illness needs professional help they might need medication along with life style changes and support from community, so lets give them that.
 Lets make a collective effort to change this rhetoric, lets seek help when we need it and lets be vocal about asking for help and vocal about our accomplishments when we defeat mental illnesses. 

pieces of me...

short love poem

My endless love, my most dear enchanter,
The beautiful soul for whom I die gladly,
my sweet sweet lover for whom I live
passionately.



Random musings of the mind

Walls connected to walls,
rooms connected to rooms,
in which my dreams lay.
We tip toe around the sleeping giants
afraid lest they awake.
Like a broken marionette spinning
endlessly on one string waiting to fall.

letting go is the hardest thing......

 As a parent one of the hardest things is finding the perfect balance between keeping our children safe and letting them go. As they get older and start having a mind of their own it gets harder and harder to keep that fine balance.
 There have been numerous times in my life when I have wanted to keep my babies little, the first time was at a friends house when we were watching her wedding video and I started to cry thinking that one day my baby girl will get older and get married too, my baby girl was 11 months at the time. It was no wonder that my friends thought it quite funny that I was being so sentimental but time is a disloyal friend it goes by in a blink of an eye. My baby girl is  six already and is going to start grade one this year. When she had started school I had felt weak in the knees dropping her off that first day imagining all the bullies who could hurt her on the play ground, the injustices life may throw at her but I kept a stiff upper lip and let her go knowing she will be in my loving embrace by mid morning.
 When I was young myself my mom had said to me one day that she wished she could be a part of my dowry and come with me to my house when I got married, I had found that notion very funny but now I understand what she had meant. It is an illusion I guess; this idea that we can protect our kids because we really cannot no one knows what life will be like from one moment to the next but as long as they are in our arms we can dream that we will be able to keep that innocence from getting marred.
 My youngest sister is almost 16 years younger to me and she too is graduating high school this year. Growing up, I felt she was more my child than my sister even now I confuse her name with my daughters name all the time to the chagrin of both.
 There is so much I want to tell my sister, so many ways I want to protect her; but I know that the only way for her to learn as for all our kids to learn is through the pathway they will chart for themselves in this journey of life. We cannot always protect them and it is imperative that these young adults be given the right to explore, make mistakes and learn. I wish I had some really meaningful wise quote to say here but alas I do not.
I will however; make a silent prayer for my children and all the children of the world that whatever life throws at you, you are able to take it in stride and make the decision which are beneficial for you and the world in general. I pray that Allah protects all children and helps us to raise them well to be the best caretakers of the world we leave for them. 

Spit polish academy for moms

Hello all, after a long long hiatus I am back and there is so much to tell and talk about and discuss and rave and rant and give my opinion on but first we must discuss matters of immediate importance, I became a mommy recently baby number two arrived January 31st after three days of labor. Why is it called labor; in my opinion it should be called the iron man challenge or hard labor without bail....

After taking on mommy hood for the second time, I am convinced absolutely and irrevocable convinced that we need to unionize. Moms everywhere unite!!!! like think about it, kids have all the advantages here they are cute, they are precocious they have tears and can cry on demand. Every child that is born is already able to give Oscar worthy performances at the drop of a hat, I think Leo Di Cap could have easily taken drama lessons from either of my little ones and scored an Oscar a long time ago. So yes after much deliberation I have come to the conclusion that we need to unionize and more importantly we need colleges and universities to offer courses and diplomas in the art of motherhood.

These courses need to be fully funded by the clients in this case your 3 days old. So here are some ideas on course offerings.

 How to put on a diaper challenge: This course covers putting on diapers while the little one is erupting like Mt Vesuvius, the challenge is to put on the diaper before all that shit hits you and your carpet whilst your husband and older child are shouting helpful suggestions on how to lift and tie from the sidelines, as the oven beeps and the tea kettle screams and the door bell rings.  Baby provided. bring your own diapers.

The prefect temperature: In this course we will learn how to prepare the perfect temperature formula bottle and in case of breast milk how long to keep it in the hot water. The milk has to be just the right temperature not too hot, not to cold. Best of luck figuring that out.

Opening packages 101: This one will fill up fast so be quick, we will cover opening up packages of medicines before you or a loved one passes out, you will need  a saw, a drill machine, a jack hammer, a wrecking ball (Miley Cyrus not needed on it) if you are not in Canada you may also bring your AK 47 from the corner store. For all other packages which include diapers, wipes, creams, cookies etc just a jack hammer will do. Packages provided, instruction will be given by Houdini.

Just eat it: Are you getting showered with peas, carrots and apple puree. Does your little one say it is tooooo spicy to apple pie and refuses to eat it. It is too hot to frozen burger patties and throws them with the strength of a line backer, fear no more just eat it will provide you with the tools needed to ensure they eat it

The Nag: How to creatively nag your child so they are emotionally scared for life . You will learn the bionic arts. How to see through bathroom doors, how to throw the chappal just right so it hits the mark every time, how to see with your back turned. You will learn the forgotten art of making your teenager cry. learn creative ways to make your child miserable for a lifetime my personal favorite tell them the candy got stolen and enjoy it all on your own while watching the reruns of Grey's anatomy guilt free.

How to be a savvy saver: No mom is complete until she learns the art of useless hoarding, not until you have a drawer full of rubber bands, plastic ties, bags full of plastic bags, old shoes, clothes and toys are you worthy of the title Ami jan. You will learn speed and skill and the use of nimble fingers so you can snatch the gift bag from the unwitting receiver just as they take out their present. You will learn to take off the gift wrap with such precision that not a tear will result.

Stork breaking 1.0:  Every day mothers let precious moments to guilt trip their kids go, where if they were smart investors they could convince their children; that their kids owe them something and reap the benefits for years to come, instead of receiving the half broken sea shell and a box of candles on mothers day. Now you will be the one receiving the expensive gifts which were previously been given to the cute girl in the class who sat next to your son whom he gave the expensive silk scarf to although he has known her only three days while you have the  paunchy tummy bringing him into the world and scars to prove it.

Perfection:How to fake it; This is crucial to motherhood, you can never make any mistakes, make sure you have the perfect hair, body and nails and your eyebrows are always on point. You need to have an immaculate house,  fresh baked bread in the oven and should be able to perform feats defying gravity with baby in one hand and a rolling pin in the other, You will learn skills which will benefit you for years to come especially when in-laws and nosy neighbors drop by unannounced. In order to gain your kids respect and keep it you must have your children believe that you have never made a bad decision in your life, never experimented with drugs or sex, never gave your own mother any sleepless nights in short you were never a child your self.
Prerequisites required; The immaculate birth.
 Lie who me, are you kidding?
This is the face of an angel
How dare you talk like this to your own mother.

Legal jargon: Know your rights mom; are you really required to fold the laundry which has been lying in the dryer for more that two months,  can the department of health and safety raid your house if they know you have been feeding your kids nuggets and smiley faces for the last month, are you breaking the law if you feed them food over the expiration date, Will you face jail time if you open that teens room with your nail file, What will the penalty be if you actually leave that kid on the side of the road who had been kicking daddy seat for the last 300 miles and asking are we there yet at the top of his lungs every 5 seconds and making sure to the poke and wake up the baby the moment that screaming tyke falls asleep.

Spotting Pinocchio, empty threaaats and promises. This is the most important course in all the series if you can't take any course make sure to take this one, it is offered online as well for your convenience. This will give you skills to spot the liar long after his nose has stopped growing, to find milk that was thrown down the drain, half eaten sandwiches hidden under beds. Candy being eaten behind the sofa. You will learn the art of making false promises and giving empty threats to intimidate your children for as long as they are living under your roof and eating your food. In this course you will be given the mega weapon the death stare sure to work in crowded places and in public when you cannot shout at the little rascals.

So hurry on over enrollment is limited!!!!!

In his eyes, episode 4

The house was a bustle of activity. Everyone was preparing for the mango party; as was khala, khalu's trend, they had sent out the invitations to all their friends via the servant and today every one was going to be at their place for dinner in the evening and later for some delicious ice creams and mangoes. Khala was busy getting the whole house sparkling clean and as she usually liked to entertain her guests out in the grounds. The table and some of the furniture was being moved out side. Huge buckets of mangoes were being chilled in ice and  the servants were busy cranking the ice cream machine with the delicious mixture of mangoes, cream, sugar and ice.
  The day passed by quickly in the steady rhythm of activity. Khala had decorated the house beautifully with some lanterns hung decoratively over the huge lawns. Music was playing from the stereo system and dusk was falling. Soon the guests started to arrive and Khala got busy mingling with the guests.
Reham was busy getting ready, she wore a beautiful green chiffon kurti with her fitted jeans and pumps. She loved glass bangles so she wore the ones ami had gotten for her this last eid and tied her long beautiful hair into a french braid. She hardly wore makeup but on this occasion she made an exception and wore some kajal and lipgloss, she looked in the mirror and smiled, she liked what she saw she really was super cute. She laughed out loud at this thought and skipped out side.
As she came out khala called her over and started to introduce her to the guests. Reham meet her this is Mrs Safdar, this is Mrs Amir and this here is Mrs Sarfraz Shah, she embraced Aunty Sarfraz and right at that moment from across the ground her eyes locked with those familiar beautiful eyes that had been haunting her dreams the last few nights. Her heart skipped a beat and she lowered her own eyes in response.
She excused herself and was going inside when she heard his soft voice behind her." Reham, can i talk to you for a minute." She turned around and said, " Yes, Hisham...." you remember my name he said laughing, "yes of course.... I mean you remember my name too", she giggled. She felt so self conscious what had come over her. "I was wondering if we could maybe get to know each other better", Hisham said" here is my cell number if you like you can call or watsapp". He paused for a while and went on, " you see since i have seen you, I have been unable to stop myself from thinking about you, infact the moment I saw you I felt as if someone had squeezed my heart out of my chest, I know all this may sound very cheesy to you and I usually do not approach girls like this but in your case I can't stop my self"."You are gorgeous, your innocence and beauty has had me mesmerized."
She looked at him stunned no one had ever said anything like this to her. He gave her his number written on a paper and said," I will wait for your call"," I hope I don't wait in vain", and walked away.
 The rest of the party passed away in a daze.... she still could not believe what had happened. She felt very excited and scared at the same time. No guy had ever approached her this way before, she had quite a few guy friends from school and all her boy cousins were very frank with her but no one ever paid her a compliment like this, in fact every one usually made fun of her in some manner or the other. Some times it was her nose, other times her style of walking..... was this for real. Was he really being honest or just toying with her. She was curious though and she had always been quite the adventurer and this was one adventure she could not stop from embarking on, after all she really liked him herself.
   The food was delicious, the cook had outdone himself with the chicken biryani. The tandoori chicken, kebabs and mutton chops were being Bar B qued over the hot coals and hot spicy pieces were being served by the servants on the trays  with chutneys, raita and salad. After every one had had their fill the ice cream was served with the mangoes.
 She had seen Hisham eyeing her a few times but every time she met his gaze he would turn away smiling, as if she had caught him in an act of theft... she would smile to herself at such times. Soon every one left and all the grounds were cleared up by the servants under the watchful eye of Khala and Khalu. She went inside and changed into her night clothes and said her Isha prayers. She thought about calling Hisham she hesitated and wished her sister was there with her so she could have asked her advice pertaining to her conundrum.  She finally got enough courage and dialed his number on her cell, luckily bua was outside still helping out with the cleaning up, so she had locked her room. He picked up on the second ring but instead of saying anything she hung up; her heart was racing and her mouth fell dry, uff what is wrong with me, she plucked up her courage again and with sweaty palms called again, this time he picked up on the first ring. "Hello Reham is this you", he said. "Yes", she replied shakily. "You cannot imagine how happy I am feeling right now, thank you for calling" "I really enjoyed the party it was very well organized," He said while thinking to himself what a dumb thing to say, out of everything on earth I could talk about I am making small talk talking about the party, but he so wanted her to stay on the line and keep hearing her voice. "You know Reham your voice is like the sound of clinking bangles," he ventured. Reham laughed hesistantly and said "well you are good at this complimenting stuff I find it hard to believe this is the first time you are talking to a girl". He laughed heartily at that but said no honest it is perhaps that is why I have no tact. They both laughed at that, they talked for a while and he said his parents were planning a trip to their farm house to Bahawalpur and he will try and get them to invite you and your family too. She felt very excited at the prospect of seeing him again so soon. Bua knocked on the door so she finished her conversation and got ready for bed.

The bitter sweet emotions of moving

I woke up quite early today and could not go back to sleep, that has been happening for a few days now. Mostly my brain is racing with all the things i need to pack up and stow away, give away, throw away interlaced with all the mixed emotions of leaving  the first home I bought with my better half and leaving behind friends who are more like my family now and than of course there is the excitement of starting a fresh in a new city which is always full of adventure and fun.
 I have moved alot all my life that I could give tips to a nomad. I have never stayed in the same house for more than 2 years. So This house was the longest I stayed in any one place, but more than the house it is the friendships I have made which pull at my heart strings right now.
 When I left Montreal I remember being a little nostalgic but a part of me was actually happy to be leaving all the cold and snow behind I could not have imagined in a million years how much i would come to miss that place.
After I got married I was still finishing up  my degree so I used to travel between Montreal and Vancouver a lot, every vacation I got I d fly out to Vancouver to see my husband. At that time he was the unofficial designated driver with a car so invariably our car would be full of his pals, that had irked me at times but very soon I started to make friends with all of them. There I would be sitting in the passenger seat giving them some lecture or the other on women psychology or on western living and in the process I got to learn a lot about computer programming, visa issues and the male camaraderie which is very different from the female friendships. While we ladies can pour our hearts out to our soul sisters, the gentlemen prefer the  time honored tradition of annoying the heck out of one another with jokes that usually target one poor soul at any given time.
 Very soon these gentlemen got wives of their own and slowly those ladies became closer to me than my own sisters.  We traversed the initial maze and emotional high and low of marriage together, I could never feel alone when I had so many wonderful young girls surrounding me and my life became a steady stream of organizing picnics, parties and potlucks especially the bacha kucha parties were the best.
 We used to go to so many places in our little car; Vancouver crowd as our 'group' came to be called  has so much bonding with each other, others would tell me.
  I am a pretty good communicator but at this time I am feeling so overwhelmed with emotion I do not really know how to verbalize how much each of my Vancouver crowd friend means to me all the beautiful memories we have had the privilege to make. I guess it was just everything the moving to a new place together and figuring out the in and out of a new city, the similar experiences of being far from home, being newly married, having our kids around the same time which had strengthened our bond.
I am very excited to go and live in a new place but I am also sad because no matter what things will change now because being in close proximity and being far always does change relationships and as life gets busier with kids and careers and other responsibilities our carefree roaming in our little green car will get further and further. I guess the difference is that when I had left Montreal i did not know how much I would miss my friends there but this time I know and yes we will visit and they will visit but we will not have the spur of the moment tea gupshups and the late night movie nights or the girl party as often.
 I know I am being aunty sentimental here but well that is just how I am and you know you love me for it right ;). You will miss me but I have a whole bunch of you whom I will miss so right now my heart is over flowing. Life is all about change and we should embrace it because growth is always at the end of our comfort zones. I just want to end with something a very dear friend of mine said to me when I moved from Montreal even if we dont meet as often, talk as often or even if we never meet again there is happiness in knowing that there will always be a person who has your best interest at heart and every time I will think of you I will send a prayer your way. May Allah shower his mercy upon you and give you his bestest and choicest blessings and may all your burdens be made light. I hope that if I ever pop into your mind you will send a blessing my way too.

hindsight is 20/20

 I am currently reading a book about post traumatic stress and man it is such a breadth of fresh air. It gives so much perspective on so many levels. Any one who has experienced a trauma, whatever sort it may be can relate that most of the time the biggest question we ask our selves and many a times others ask us, why did we let such and such happen. Understanding how our body responds under threat and stress, understanding our emotions and their manifestations, understanding the benefit and survival associated with our emotions and understanding the benefit and survival associated with our defense mechanism goes a long way in explaining to a person what had happened and why it had happened. It is only once one understand why something had happened and why we behaved a certain way that we can go on and let go of the event and change how our body responds every time it feel threatened or how we respond and perceive a situation if it reminds us of the traumatic event in some manner. IT IS A LIBERATING FEELING!!!! once such a thing has been achieved it is like a person is able to breadth again and is no longer a prisoner and at the mercy of their body and their emotions and its reactivity but more in control of how they choose to behave under certain condition.
I plan to write a blog about  PTSD/PTS as soon as I finish my book. One of the questions to consider is that usually a traumatic event is not just an isolated incident that comes and goes and one should just as easily forget about it, in fact the way our brains are wired the way we collect and store memories under stress are pretty much like brandishing the event into the brain so its almost impossible to forget the event, even if one manages to forget the details the body tends to keep score and it will keep manifesting its defenses every time it feels threatened through dissociation, panic attacks, anxiety, shaking, seizures and night mares etc. So it is important to associate the body's implicit memory with the brains explicit memory and make sense of the events.
It is a mistake to consider a traumatic event as a single solitary incident. Every traumatic event comprises of three distinct stages. 1) circumstances leading up to the event. 2) The trauma itself 3) the circumstances following the incident both short and long term and the time following the event is the most critical because the quality of contact and help the victim receives greatly influence the outcome of the incident onto the victim.
In most traumatic events the most potent emotions are of anger and fear but in terms of sexual abuse there is another component of shame. All these emotions have evolved for survival purposes but in order to find reconciliation from a traumatic incident it is important to let go and discharge these emotions. One can experience fear through crying, screaming etc. Anger through talking loudly, showing anger physically but there is really no outlet for shame unless one has a support system where a person feels safe and accepted. Most of the time the trauma for sexual abuse victims does not get resolution because they are ostracized and blamed for what has happened to them and never find the acceptance they need to resolve their issues.
 Any way, i ll write a more thought out post about this in a few weeks once i am done with my book. If any one is interested its called, "The body remembers, the psychophysiology of trauma and trauma treatment by Babette Rothschild."

Lets protect our children.

 A long time ago I had a discussion with a few friends about child abuse and rape and most of them were adamant that it did not happen and it did not happen in Pakistan. I wish that was true, I wish that we lived in an Utopian society where every one cared about each other and no one got hurt but unfortunately the reality is much more different. Abuse does take place and it is a lot more common than what we would like to admit.

Incidence of Child sexual abuse goes unreported to a very large extent but experts believe that 1 in 5 girls gets abused and 1 in 20 boys these are statistics I am quoting for the USA(1). Watching a program about child sexual abuse called Satyamay Jaytey, similar statistics were reported in India.
The statistics I was able to find for Pakistan are not that promising either (2) most of the time the abuse is done by people close to the child up-to 80 percent of the cases are by family member or servants.

  There is still cause for hope because at the end it is about empowering and education. If we are willing to educate our selves about these topics and help our children feel more confident we will be able to stop things like these from happening.  Following are some tips I came up with and a few articles which i feel are very beneficial on the topic.

   Sexual abuse does not only happen to girls, it happen to boys as well and the predators generally target children who are emotionally vulnerable. So the most important thing we can do for our kids is to ensure them that they are important, they matter and they are loved. To accept them and love them for who they are and the way to do that is to give them our attention, if your child comes to you to say something, look at him, turn towards him give him your 100% attention and listen to him and talk to him or her. When we make them believe that the little things are important they will come to us for the big things too.

   Lets deal with our own personal problems and give our kids solid marriages. I read a quote on time which said the best thing a father can do for his kids is to love their mother. Children are very intuitive they sense things and much more than we give them credit for if we have an unhappy relationship our kids sense that and it affects them a lot. Children automatically feel they are an extension of their parents and if they feel something a miss in the marriage and the parents unhappy most of the time they will conclude it is because of something they did and this can play havoc on their confidence and self esteem.

 Marriage is work and so is parenting and these things change over time from generation to generation so what worked for our parents may not work for us. Have the courage to get help if there are problems with the relationship or if you are struggling with your own issues, that is the mark of being mature and being an adult; taking responsibility for your self and getting help when needed, no one can do it all alone.

   Children who are in abusive homes are much more likely to be a target of abuse them selves.
"When traumatic incident is repeated as with physical abuse, domestic violence, incest or torture,mental, emotional and behavioral strategies for coping can become habituated, closing off the possibility of exercising other options, even in less stressful circumstances. Those who are molested or beaten as children or teenagers might late be vulnerable to sexual abuse or violence, because their natural impulses to protect themselves and protest (physical and verbal ) were extinguished. Expectation of hurtful treatment by others or one's own failed capabilities can stubbornly persist despite over whelming evidence that such is no longer the case. Behaviors and beliefs conditioned during traumatic events seem to have a greater enduring power than those conditioned under lesser degrees of stress " (3)

Here are some key tips for protecting our children there are more detailed articles at the end of this blog post if you are interested in educating your self about this topic. 
 1. Help children develop boundaries, teach them to ask permission before embracing a play mate and allow them to make up their own mind if they wish to embrace some one whether a playmate or an adult, do not force them.
2. Talk to your children, make eye contact with them don't just brush their questions aside. This goes for both mom and dads
3. Teach your children that No and Stop are important words and will be honored if he/ she speaks them and  to honor them if others say them also. Give them the opportunity to make choices for them selves in every day life in terms of clothes, shoes, books etc so they know their opinion is validated and it matters.
4. Teach them to wash their own genitals during wash times or ask permission when you touch them
5. Give your child the confidence to come talk to you if he feels uncomfortable with any one and if he tells you give his voice an importance.
6. Teach your children about their bodies, talk to them about it and use proper biology words, if we tell our child an elbow is an elbow a hand is a hand than tell them a breast is a breast dont use some other word for it. Use biological words for the genitals and talk about it all with confidence don't feel ashamed, if they know you will not ridicule them and give them proper information they will come to you for the information when they are older rather than scouring the internet or getting it from friends. You cannot control what they will get if it is coming from others.
7. Teach them to shout and scream and come to you if they are touched inappropriately by some one.
8. Enroll them in self defence classes if possible and definitely encourage girls to participate in sports. Sports help build confidence and self- reliance.
9. Help them build a good self image, especially  about their bodies don't focus on being thin but on being healthy and young girls look to their mothers for this, so please ladies get off the i need to be a super model unattainable model of thin and focus on being healthy.

This is my list I hope it helps and gives you a springing board to do more of your own research. 

1. (http://www.victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/child-sexual-abuse-statistics).
2. (http://www.dawn.com/news/1115058/my-stolen-childhood).
3. The body remembers they psycho physiology of trauma and trauma treatment. By Babette Rothschild.


Here are links to some very good articles which talk about how to talk with our children about sex and to help them set good boundaries. 
1. http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/03/teaching-kids-consent-ages-1-21/
2. http://www.yowoto.com/posts/5-lessons-im-going-to-teach-my-indian-daughter
3. http://www.amightygirl.com/blog?p=2006
4, http://goodmenproject.com/good-feed-blog/25-failsafe-rules-for-dads-raising-daughters/

Resources about sexual abuse and how to help victims/survivors. 
1. https://1in6.org/therapists-and-other-professionals/myths-facts/
2. This had a list of centers in Pakistan working for victims/survivors of sexual abuse. http://www.dawn.com/news/1115058/my-stolen-childhood
3. http://www.100conversations.org/
4.http://slutwalkseattle.com/allies  excellent resource with alot of websites.

But why did you not run?

She woke up to sounds of shouting and crying, this was not unusual she woke up to sounds like these most nights. She ran to the living room to find her mother hunched up in a ball crying while her father stood over her figure. Beta, go to sleep this does not concern you. She tip toed back scared, confused and feeling helpless.
 He used to come to their house a lot, he was her parents uncle very old and very nice. He always gave her sweets and would take her out to get her toys. Every time she got a scolding from mama she would go and sit with him. He was kind but one day he had told her a story and she has slept in his bed and she woke up to him touching her, she felt confused, scared but she pretended to keep sleeping. This started happening more and more often, sometimes he even let his son touch her. As she got older he would ask her to come to his room with talks about new stories and candies and she would go because he did care, he did not scold her and get frustrated with her. He did not say you are just like your dad when he was angry, she thought maybe her dad was a bad man that is why he made mama cry and she said she was like him when she was angry with her. The grand father would make her sleep next to him or make her close her eyes and touch her, one day she opened her eyes slowly so he wont notice and saw him doing very dirty things. She told her maid, but her maid made a disgusting face and told her to go play and not talk of such things. This was very confusing but she was too scared to tell mama, or baba. They will get angry with her but from that time on she never went to the grandfathers room again even when he called her. She told her aunt and some years later she told her mother but no one did anything. Every one told her to keep quiet and not talk of such matters. Why? was she a bad girl a bad person was what he did so bad that we cant ever speak of it. She was confused, she was scared but she was resilient and she decided to not think of such things and kept on being funny and goofy and keeping on.........
 Her brother had had an accident so mama had to take him to another country for medical help. They split them up and they lived with their grand mother and aunt. It was good, but baba hardly came to see them. Some nights he would come and she would be shuttled off from her aunts house to her grand mothers house and she would see him for a while. She felt like no one cared about her, she felt abandoned. Only mama had cared about her most of the time any way, baba was hardly ever around and when he was he preferred watching tv or reading his books. So she thought she ll try harder be a very good girl do as she is told he will like her and he will want to stay with them but no matter how hard she tried he always left to go some where else.
They moved to another city she started a new school. Some boy decided to start harassing her, he told lies about her and would call her house. All the girls said she was a bad girl so no one became her friend. She would sit in the library reading books in her lunch break, for two years no one really wanted to be her friend because she was a bad girl. Her baba said, who is this boy who calls you, she said she did not know and she did not know why he was calling. He said well, I am sure you must have given him your number why else would any one call. She felt very sad, why does no one believe her. She decided to try harder, she will dress up modestly and do things that good girls did
One day baba left, he did not come back for many years, mama had to be very strong, mama started working two jobs to support the family. She came home on the school van with her siblings and opened the door to the house, she would get rotis and give them lunch and clean the house, did her home work. She did wear her big chaddar when she went out but they still said bad things to her or touched her as they passed by on the cycle. She cried when she came home, what was the point of being a good girl she thought. Next time a guy touched her she hit him, hit him, hit him till her ran... She felt happy but when she came home and told mama. Mama got angry she said dont do that next time. The next day that man was standing at her gate she was afraid now he knew baba  was not living there......
 Baba did come back after many years, he started  a business he told her she can help him she liked that idea after all she had been helping out at mama's school. She started working for her baba, she felt proud, one day she said to her mama. Mama I want to be a boy, her mama laughed she said you are strong you dont need to be a boy. She said I want to make baba proud. Mama said you dont need to be a boy to do that....
 She made a good friend at the office, he was a boy and he was kind he told her she was smart and she could do anything, for the first time in her life she felt some one saw her, she mattered she was more than just a girl. He told her he wants to marry her, she was happy. She told her mama and baba. They got angry said she was a bad character girl and too young to think about marriage, she should tell her friend to go away. She told him to go away and he left. She was very sad, she cried for days......Her world emplowded the day baba left again. It was eid and she was so sad she cried for the whole time in the bathroom every one said stop crying, dont be so emotional. Baba had sold the car for his ticket, so she had to co ordinate all the trips through baba office van. She was taking care of her youngest sister at home, studying for her A levels helping take care of the house. She would go to baba's office in the evening to help, she felt very lonely and mama was so angry all the time, so frustrated, so stressed, so depressed.. She had to care for bhai too, bhai was getting so violent now, he would hit her a lot, he would break things. She felt so alone, so scared but she told her self she was strong and she had to help her mama.
 Baba's office man had all the authority he was baba's son as baba used to say;he was suppose to give them the money but he was difficult. He did not give them the money and her bhai did not get medicines, so he would have his seizures and blood would spew from his mouth. Mama got scared at those times, mama would cry and she felt so angry at the office man and she felt helpless.  She had to co ordinate everything through the office man, to pick up the siblings, to get the grocery, he would ask her why she was sad and she would tell him she got a scolding from mama and the office man  would be nice to her. She told him she thought he was a nice man, she liked him.
She thought if she was nice and respectful to him he will give them the money but he never did give them money on time, so she would get angry and said some mean things to him.One day he came to pick her up from her tuition center, he took her to another place he said he did not like her and she said that is fine why is he saying things like that to her. He tried to kiss her she pushed him away, but he still did very hard, her lips got swollen. She was very confused, very messed up.
 The next day he came to her house mama was gone to work, the siblings were in school only her youngest sister was home. She was scared and confused why had he come. He said he wanted breakfast she made it for him and went outside in the garden with her sister, she walked for very long with her sister in her lap but it was cold so she finally went in the house. He told her to sit next to him, she felt numb and scared but she sat down. He started to kiss her arms she tried to push him away he grabbed her and pushed her against the window bars.  She felt her legs were like jelly but she tried to run, he pushed her against the hutch cabinets and kept squeezing her body parts, trying to kiss her and she felt as if her soul had left her body and was looking at her from the roof, she felt little, she felt scared but she propelled her self to move and went to the kitchen he came there too she tried to speak but no words would come out she was frozen in fear. It took all her strength to go and get a knife and told him to leave or she will hurt him. He told her to calm down and went to the sitting room. She went to the bathroom she was so confused what was going on with her body. Why was she feeling all these feelings. She did not like this man, he was not her husband. What was going on, why did this always happen to her, she must be a very bad girl no wonder this had happened. She felt dizzy and weak, her legs barely carried her to the sitting room she fell on the sofa and asked him why did he do this, he must repent he must ask for forgiveness.
 He still came to the house, she had to serve him tea. mama was confused why she was so rude to him she asked mama who do you care about me or him, mama said yes yes i dont care about you. She wanted to die, she ate all her fathers heart medication she hoped she will die that night, but she got very sick and she felt she would die but she still did not die.... Even God did not want a girl like her.
  It was mamas birthday she wanted to make it upto mama, she made a beautiful vase and asked the office man to buy it from her. He said he will but she needs to come to the office so he could give her the money she said ok, she went to the office he said to come backside to his rooms. She said promise me you will not do anything he laughed and said ofcourse not my brother and my servant are there come on now i ll give you the money. She went he made her sit down got his servant to bring some drink and as his servant left he closed the door the office man did bad bad things, kept hitting her and she kept saying dont do it stop please stop. He said fix your clothes, go say hello to my brother than here is the money go. She felt dirty very disgusted and yet her body was going through things she did not understand. She called the office man begged him to marry her, told him she will be a dutiful wife and wont tell any one about what had happened. He said he would never marry a girl like her, she was of bad character and anyways he ll make sure to never get her pregnant. She said to herself he may have her body but she was the master of her brain, her heart and her soul. She was very respectful to the office man when he came to the house, she asked him again and again to marry her and one day he told her he will talk to her about it in detail. He took her to his room again and did bad things and after that she stopped trusting him she never let herself be alone with him again. He still came home and she had to serve him tea and biscuits.
 In the summer mama said they had to go to the office again, she said she did not want to go, mama got upset why was she being so difficult, so she thought it will be ok he cant do anything there she went. At first she and the other girls worked in the same room but soon he came and told her he needed her to do some work for him in the other office, so she had to go, she worked by her self for a few days than he started to come and sit in the office with her. He started to do bad things again, she would make her shalwar very tight but he still managed to get his hands in side she would feel aroused and her eyes would start to close and he would tell her to sit up straight not make any faces one day he pushed in too hard she got hurt and she started to bleed. Something inside her broke that day, no more being a nice girl every one took her for some stupid idiotic ass crap. She had to take care of her self no need being a good girl trying to be respectful. IF every one was going to think her a bad girl so fine. She slapped the office man hard and told him to never come near her again.
The office man still came to the house, he started calling mama and blackmailing her. She told mama but mama said it must have been something you did for this to happen. dont go telling any one about it now stay quiet. She did not understand why every one told her she was bad when she always tried to be good.  She could not sleep at night, she would get night mares, cold sweats. She would wake up in fear, she d go and take long cold showers and rub her self till her whole body was red and raw. She prayed, oh she prayed so hard to make this bad stuff stop, make her body stop feeling all these things she did not understand. She kept fighting with her body, she kept blaming her self but one day when she could not sleep she went online and her cousin was there, she told him the story and asked him if he thought she was worthless, she was bad and her cousin said no you are not a piece of membrane or just a body. You are a human being with worth which extends to much much more. You are wonderful and full of worth and your worth does not diminish in my eyes one bit for what has happened. It has only increased.... she felt strong after that, she felt empowered. She told her younger sister about the office man and they made a plan. They recruited one uncle who was the nicest uncle in the world because he had stood by them during some very difficult times they told him how the office man had touched her and how her sister had slapped the office man. She told her sister she was scared but her sister said dont worry i ll be there. They sat on the floor while the uncle got angry with the office man told him to never come near the girls again or he will break his legs. Finally the office man stopped coming home
She struggled with the night terrors, with the fear with her trust of people but she had to be strong for her siblings for her mother. She and her family came to the new country finally to be with baba but things were not easy for them. They lived in a place a little better than a ghetto and the fights between mama and baba still went on. She was smart so she studied hard got a scholarship was going to go to a real good university but than baba did something stupid and she had huge visa issues. Baba said to go back to the home country she said no she will not, they had arguments but she did not budge from her stance. IF she went back she had no future, here she had a shot. Baba had his own reasons and she did not blame him, she did not blame mama and she understood money was tight, bhai was in surgery again but this was her one chance at life. She made a friend;  baba's secretary she got her the ticket, mama got her some money from the uncles and she left to go to the new country. She did not have a coat or a hat when she landed in the -40 degrees celsius weather. She was delayed by two weeks, the semester had started but she hit the ground running. She made it through the semester some how. She vowed to herself she will work her bones raw, she ll eat one meal a day but by god she will make something of herself. She worked very hard, did all kinds of odd jobs. Suffered from home sickness because she could not go back to the other country and no one could come to see her. She had to change a lot really go outside her comfort zone, but that made her sit on the outside and look in to her belief systems and she found many loop holes and much flaws. She tried very hard to hold on and be the good girl but things were unraveling fast. Plus she had this brain which never quit thinking, she was inquisitive, she was brilliant and she was resilient but she was human so she floundered a lot too, she was stressed out of her mind. She was going on very little sleep and food and so when the dark thoughts did not stop for many days and she would not stop crying she went to see the doctor and he told her she had clinical depression. She started medication and started to see a therapist and did the 12 free sessions offered by her school but did not have money to keep going so she had to stop the therapy. However, she kept going, she did not give up made wonderful amazing friends, her sister came things started to look up. She got the degree and she got married, but she still never forgave her self for not making something out of her self a brilliant scientist or a doctor. She was suppose to save the world and here she was married and than the darkness started to seep through the thick wall she had constructed.
      All the memories she had tried to bury deep deep deep so she had even forgotten parts of her self in the process. All she wanted was to make baba proud but he was never happy with her, she felt like a failure she did not have the great job her husbands collegues had, she was fat and ugly and in her mind not that great of a deal for her husband. He told her she was great but she did not believe him and no matter how hard she tried she felt her life getting away from her. One day the dam just broke she cried for days and days she felt she was drowning in a sea of emotions. All the memories started to come back and no matter how hard she tried to push them back they still came. She prayed she cried but nothing made it better. She felt worthless but she had become stronger now much stronger than she was back than, she made a decision she was not going to keep the cycle of abuse going. She was going to get help and she was going to get better. She had a choice she was going to make this a positive thing in her life not let it define her.
   See we always have a choice, good and bad things happen to all of us we all suffer from shame, guilt, fear, anger and much much more. It is important to allow ourselves to feel those emotions also, to get help to put the past in perspective understand the defense mechanisms we build to cope with those times and have the ability to logically see which defenses work and which need to be discarded. WE all are strong and we are much much more than our past or the expectation and approval of others.
    In the end the most important lesson she learned from it all was that we all are human and we all are flawed and God is never in the event but in the after math of those events he is in the forgiveness and in the love and most importantly he is in the humanity and the compassion we give to one another.


 This is the story of a girl I once knew as she had told me. Her identity has been kept confidential for purposes of privacy I hope we can all learn some lessons from this story. Lessons of hope and lesson of resilience.