Sometimes love is just not enough

 

I was 11 years old when my dad left. Its a long story as why he had to leave and I am getting the grasp of it all as I get older but well this is from the point of view of that 11 year old girl who slept at night with her dad in the house and the next morning woke up to find him gone. Every day I waited for him for his phone calls but non came. A lot happened in that time period we left that house and moved to many others. Mom found jobs to keep it all going. I sometimes wonder how she did it, it takes a herculean amount of strength to raise kids as a single parent in a country like Pakistan and that too with girls and a special needs boy.  

That leaving has left such a scar that even after he came back in my life, it's been hard for me to mediate relationships, friendships any kind of ships hahaha. I love too hard I think hoping this time that person will value me enough to not leave. But people my friends always leave no one can stick around even if they wanted to I guess. Life is so uncertain anyway you wish that people would do things a certain way but they do not until they feel they are ready or whatever they cannot make that commitment, make that move or any number of things. 

Its the uncertainty that kill  you. How do you keep carrying on when you dont know if its worth it. Will it be different this time round. Then the whole thing with self respect comes online too how much do i give, how much is enough. As a woman everyone blames you if the marriage falls apart, you could have tried harder they will tell you. How much harder, and for what. Everyone will have an opinion. You try not to look like a total nut job with every thing you are going through. Keep it together smile, pretend, laugh, work. It will get better you keep repeating it like an anthem. Will things really get better. We prize our women to stay silent, the more silent they are the better. Chup Raho. Ghar ki baat hai. IF you do talk people around you will look at you with disdane. If you invite them they will make some excuse to not meet you. So yeah you have the scarlet letter now, you are the fallen woman. I guess the smart thing to do in these times is get up and say well Fuck this i am out. But i dont know why the fuck i still stick around hoping this time it will be different. I read today people who never move never see their chains. I see the chains so i will move and i ll move and i ll move and i ll move until these chains break. Because i wont be silenced not any more.