But why did you not run?

She woke up to sounds of shouting and crying, this was not unusual she woke up to sounds like these most nights. She ran to the living room to find her mother hunched up in a ball crying while her father stood over her figure. Beta, go to sleep this does not concern you. She tip toed back scared, confused and feeling helpless.
 He used to come to their house a lot, he was her parents uncle very old and very nice. He always gave her sweets and would take her out to get her toys. Every time she got a scolding from mama she would go and sit with him. He was kind but one day he had told her a story and she has slept in his bed and she woke up to him touching her, she felt confused, scared but she pretended to keep sleeping. This started happening more and more often, sometimes he even let his son touch her. As she got older he would ask her to come to his room with talks about new stories and candies and she would go because he did care, he did not scold her and get frustrated with her. He did not say you are just like your dad when he was angry, she thought maybe her dad was a bad man that is why he made mama cry and she said she was like him when she was angry with her. The grand father would make her sleep next to him or make her close her eyes and touch her, one day she opened her eyes slowly so he wont notice and saw him doing very dirty things. She told her maid, but her maid made a disgusting face and told her to go play and not talk of such things. This was very confusing but she was too scared to tell mama, or baba. They will get angry with her but from that time on she never went to the grandfathers room again even when he called her. She told her aunt and some years later she told her mother but no one did anything. Every one told her to keep quiet and not talk of such matters. Why? was she a bad girl a bad person was what he did so bad that we cant ever speak of it. She was confused, she was scared but she was resilient and she decided to not think of such things and kept on being funny and goofy and keeping on.........
 Her brother had had an accident so mama had to take him to another country for medical help. They split them up and they lived with their grand mother and aunt. It was good, but baba hardly came to see them. Some nights he would come and she would be shuttled off from her aunts house to her grand mothers house and she would see him for a while. She felt like no one cared about her, she felt abandoned. Only mama had cared about her most of the time any way, baba was hardly ever around and when he was he preferred watching tv or reading his books. So she thought she ll try harder be a very good girl do as she is told he will like her and he will want to stay with them but no matter how hard she tried he always left to go some where else.
They moved to another city she started a new school. Some boy decided to start harassing her, he told lies about her and would call her house. All the girls said she was a bad girl so no one became her friend. She would sit in the library reading books in her lunch break, for two years no one really wanted to be her friend because she was a bad girl. Her baba said, who is this boy who calls you, she said she did not know and she did not know why he was calling. He said well, I am sure you must have given him your number why else would any one call. She felt very sad, why does no one believe her. She decided to try harder, she will dress up modestly and do things that good girls did
One day baba left, he did not come back for many years, mama had to be very strong, mama started working two jobs to support the family. She came home on the school van with her siblings and opened the door to the house, she would get rotis and give them lunch and clean the house, did her home work. She did wear her big chaddar when she went out but they still said bad things to her or touched her as they passed by on the cycle. She cried when she came home, what was the point of being a good girl she thought. Next time a guy touched her she hit him, hit him, hit him till her ran... She felt happy but when she came home and told mama. Mama got angry she said dont do that next time. The next day that man was standing at her gate she was afraid now he knew baba  was not living there......
 Baba did come back after many years, he started  a business he told her she can help him she liked that idea after all she had been helping out at mama's school. She started working for her baba, she felt proud, one day she said to her mama. Mama I want to be a boy, her mama laughed she said you are strong you dont need to be a boy. She said I want to make baba proud. Mama said you dont need to be a boy to do that....
 She made a good friend at the office, he was a boy and he was kind he told her she was smart and she could do anything, for the first time in her life she felt some one saw her, she mattered she was more than just a girl. He told her he wants to marry her, she was happy. She told her mama and baba. They got angry said she was a bad character girl and too young to think about marriage, she should tell her friend to go away. She told him to go away and he left. She was very sad, she cried for days......Her world emplowded the day baba left again. It was eid and she was so sad she cried for the whole time in the bathroom every one said stop crying, dont be so emotional. Baba had sold the car for his ticket, so she had to co ordinate all the trips through baba office van. She was taking care of her youngest sister at home, studying for her A levels helping take care of the house. She would go to baba's office in the evening to help, she felt very lonely and mama was so angry all the time, so frustrated, so stressed, so depressed.. She had to care for bhai too, bhai was getting so violent now, he would hit her a lot, he would break things. She felt so alone, so scared but she told her self she was strong and she had to help her mama.
 Baba's office man had all the authority he was baba's son as baba used to say;he was suppose to give them the money but he was difficult. He did not give them the money and her bhai did not get medicines, so he would have his seizures and blood would spew from his mouth. Mama got scared at those times, mama would cry and she felt so angry at the office man and she felt helpless.  She had to co ordinate everything through the office man, to pick up the siblings, to get the grocery, he would ask her why she was sad and she would tell him she got a scolding from mama and the office man  would be nice to her. She told him she thought he was a nice man, she liked him.
She thought if she was nice and respectful to him he will give them the money but he never did give them money on time, so she would get angry and said some mean things to him.One day he came to pick her up from her tuition center, he took her to another place he said he did not like her and she said that is fine why is he saying things like that to her. He tried to kiss her she pushed him away, but he still did very hard, her lips got swollen. She was very confused, very messed up.
 The next day he came to her house mama was gone to work, the siblings were in school only her youngest sister was home. She was scared and confused why had he come. He said he wanted breakfast she made it for him and went outside in the garden with her sister, she walked for very long with her sister in her lap but it was cold so she finally went in the house. He told her to sit next to him, she felt numb and scared but she sat down. He started to kiss her arms she tried to push him away he grabbed her and pushed her against the window bars.  She felt her legs were like jelly but she tried to run, he pushed her against the hutch cabinets and kept squeezing her body parts, trying to kiss her and she felt as if her soul had left her body and was looking at her from the roof, she felt little, she felt scared but she propelled her self to move and went to the kitchen he came there too she tried to speak but no words would come out she was frozen in fear. It took all her strength to go and get a knife and told him to leave or she will hurt him. He told her to calm down and went to the sitting room. She went to the bathroom she was so confused what was going on with her body. Why was she feeling all these feelings. She did not like this man, he was not her husband. What was going on, why did this always happen to her, she must be a very bad girl no wonder this had happened. She felt dizzy and weak, her legs barely carried her to the sitting room she fell on the sofa and asked him why did he do this, he must repent he must ask for forgiveness.
 He still came to the house, she had to serve him tea. mama was confused why she was so rude to him she asked mama who do you care about me or him, mama said yes yes i dont care about you. She wanted to die, she ate all her fathers heart medication she hoped she will die that night, but she got very sick and she felt she would die but she still did not die.... Even God did not want a girl like her.
  It was mamas birthday she wanted to make it upto mama, she made a beautiful vase and asked the office man to buy it from her. He said he will but she needs to come to the office so he could give her the money she said ok, she went to the office he said to come backside to his rooms. She said promise me you will not do anything he laughed and said ofcourse not my brother and my servant are there come on now i ll give you the money. She went he made her sit down got his servant to bring some drink and as his servant left he closed the door the office man did bad bad things, kept hitting her and she kept saying dont do it stop please stop. He said fix your clothes, go say hello to my brother than here is the money go. She felt dirty very disgusted and yet her body was going through things she did not understand. She called the office man begged him to marry her, told him she will be a dutiful wife and wont tell any one about what had happened. He said he would never marry a girl like her, she was of bad character and anyways he ll make sure to never get her pregnant. She said to herself he may have her body but she was the master of her brain, her heart and her soul. She was very respectful to the office man when he came to the house, she asked him again and again to marry her and one day he told her he will talk to her about it in detail. He took her to his room again and did bad things and after that she stopped trusting him she never let herself be alone with him again. He still came home and she had to serve him tea and biscuits.
 In the summer mama said they had to go to the office again, she said she did not want to go, mama got upset why was she being so difficult, so she thought it will be ok he cant do anything there she went. At first she and the other girls worked in the same room but soon he came and told her he needed her to do some work for him in the other office, so she had to go, she worked by her self for a few days than he started to come and sit in the office with her. He started to do bad things again, she would make her shalwar very tight but he still managed to get his hands in side she would feel aroused and her eyes would start to close and he would tell her to sit up straight not make any faces one day he pushed in too hard she got hurt and she started to bleed. Something inside her broke that day, no more being a nice girl every one took her for some stupid idiotic ass crap. She had to take care of her self no need being a good girl trying to be respectful. IF every one was going to think her a bad girl so fine. She slapped the office man hard and told him to never come near her again.
The office man still came to the house, he started calling mama and blackmailing her. She told mama but mama said it must have been something you did for this to happen. dont go telling any one about it now stay quiet. She did not understand why every one told her she was bad when she always tried to be good.  She could not sleep at night, she would get night mares, cold sweats. She would wake up in fear, she d go and take long cold showers and rub her self till her whole body was red and raw. She prayed, oh she prayed so hard to make this bad stuff stop, make her body stop feeling all these things she did not understand. She kept fighting with her body, she kept blaming her self but one day when she could not sleep she went online and her cousin was there, she told him the story and asked him if he thought she was worthless, she was bad and her cousin said no you are not a piece of membrane or just a body. You are a human being with worth which extends to much much more. You are wonderful and full of worth and your worth does not diminish in my eyes one bit for what has happened. It has only increased.... she felt strong after that, she felt empowered. She told her younger sister about the office man and they made a plan. They recruited one uncle who was the nicest uncle in the world because he had stood by them during some very difficult times they told him how the office man had touched her and how her sister had slapped the office man. She told her sister she was scared but her sister said dont worry i ll be there. They sat on the floor while the uncle got angry with the office man told him to never come near the girls again or he will break his legs. Finally the office man stopped coming home
She struggled with the night terrors, with the fear with her trust of people but she had to be strong for her siblings for her mother. She and her family came to the new country finally to be with baba but things were not easy for them. They lived in a place a little better than a ghetto and the fights between mama and baba still went on. She was smart so she studied hard got a scholarship was going to go to a real good university but than baba did something stupid and she had huge visa issues. Baba said to go back to the home country she said no she will not, they had arguments but she did not budge from her stance. IF she went back she had no future, here she had a shot. Baba had his own reasons and she did not blame him, she did not blame mama and she understood money was tight, bhai was in surgery again but this was her one chance at life. She made a friend;  baba's secretary she got her the ticket, mama got her some money from the uncles and she left to go to the new country. She did not have a coat or a hat when she landed in the -40 degrees celsius weather. She was delayed by two weeks, the semester had started but she hit the ground running. She made it through the semester some how. She vowed to herself she will work her bones raw, she ll eat one meal a day but by god she will make something of herself. She worked very hard, did all kinds of odd jobs. Suffered from home sickness because she could not go back to the other country and no one could come to see her. She had to change a lot really go outside her comfort zone, but that made her sit on the outside and look in to her belief systems and she found many loop holes and much flaws. She tried very hard to hold on and be the good girl but things were unraveling fast. Plus she had this brain which never quit thinking, she was inquisitive, she was brilliant and she was resilient but she was human so she floundered a lot too, she was stressed out of her mind. She was going on very little sleep and food and so when the dark thoughts did not stop for many days and she would not stop crying she went to see the doctor and he told her she had clinical depression. She started medication and started to see a therapist and did the 12 free sessions offered by her school but did not have money to keep going so she had to stop the therapy. However, she kept going, she did not give up made wonderful amazing friends, her sister came things started to look up. She got the degree and she got married, but she still never forgave her self for not making something out of her self a brilliant scientist or a doctor. She was suppose to save the world and here she was married and than the darkness started to seep through the thick wall she had constructed.
      All the memories she had tried to bury deep deep deep so she had even forgotten parts of her self in the process. All she wanted was to make baba proud but he was never happy with her, she felt like a failure she did not have the great job her husbands collegues had, she was fat and ugly and in her mind not that great of a deal for her husband. He told her she was great but she did not believe him and no matter how hard she tried she felt her life getting away from her. One day the dam just broke she cried for days and days she felt she was drowning in a sea of emotions. All the memories started to come back and no matter how hard she tried to push them back they still came. She prayed she cried but nothing made it better. She felt worthless but she had become stronger now much stronger than she was back than, she made a decision she was not going to keep the cycle of abuse going. She was going to get help and she was going to get better. She had a choice she was going to make this a positive thing in her life not let it define her.
   See we always have a choice, good and bad things happen to all of us we all suffer from shame, guilt, fear, anger and much much more. It is important to allow ourselves to feel those emotions also, to get help to put the past in perspective understand the defense mechanisms we build to cope with those times and have the ability to logically see which defenses work and which need to be discarded. WE all are strong and we are much much more than our past or the expectation and approval of others.
    In the end the most important lesson she learned from it all was that we all are human and we all are flawed and God is never in the event but in the after math of those events he is in the forgiveness and in the love and most importantly he is in the humanity and the compassion we give to one another.


 This is the story of a girl I once knew as she had told me. Her identity has been kept confidential for purposes of privacy I hope we can all learn some lessons from this story. Lessons of hope and lesson of resilience.