my internal struggle.

I have struggled with the notion of identity for a long long time. I wish I was like most other people and had taken on what ever was handed to me without questioning it or going into too much detail but as it is i have always been an extremely curious sort of a person and I think about things in great depths.
 When I was young i used to wish i could stop my self from thinking but no sir no matter how hard i tried to conform to the right image i just could not go against what i felt was right in my own gut, so whilst growing up there were many phases, times when i became very religious and than i d go back to being very liberal in my dress and my speech etc. Living in Pakistan without my father for most of the time growing up was very hard as it was due to many reasons, one main one was that my mother had decided to live by her self without any handouts from any one. Women living without men is a break from the norm on so many levels, it seems to me it scares society for some reason, those women automatically become harlots, wanton etc before any one even tries to understand the reason why they are there in the first place. Growing up and being the eldest i had to go out and do; many of the traditionally men things, like going to the super market to get grocery, going to pay bills, there were many times during those trips that i got teased verbally or at worst slapped in various places by the passing by men.  One such incident i remember very clearly is when a guy on a bicycle hit me on my bottom as i was walking back from the shop and made a very rude comment. I came home and cried and vowed i wont let any one touch me ever again. The next time some one tried to pull the same thing i had grabbed him from his collar and gave him a good thrashing, using unholy language all the while. I was happy that i had defended my self but upon coming home when i told my mom she got very very angry with me and i understood why the next day when that man stood outside our gate with a smirk on his face. I knew than the ruse was over cause he could see we had no man in the house.
 It is said that the refinement and civilization of a society is seen by how it treats its most vulnerable citizens and when women are safe it means men are safe too. I always conformed to the social norms, wearing huge chaddars etc when i would go out, it did not stop people from doing what they wanted to do, saying what they wanted to say. So i would get very angry and decide to not take the chaddar any more and than i d get more judgmental comments and eyed like i have committed the biggest sin on the planet by those who were closest to me. I have just one question to ask, how is ones virtue defined by what is on their heads or what is on their bodies. Virtue should only be define by what is in ones heart and mind, how we treat those around us.
 I think it is hi time we stopped playing God and let people make their own decisions, their own choices without making them feel bad about those choices. Every one is struggling and every one is fighting a battle so instead of being judgmental try and understand the fear they must have been going through. Why are we so stuck on the rituals of religions and not on the Golden rules which are the same in all of them. Why is a women who is covered suddenly better and more virtuous than the one who decides not to be, why is covering up one self such a big part of being muslim anyways, Reading the Quran there is such a lot of variation in the explanation about covering up the hair and more and if there is some mention of it, it is in two parts of the whole book while the message to not judge, not have bad intentions for any one, to promote peace as in every chapter of the Quran pretty much.
 I had recently done the abaya here one of the major reasons for that was that when i moved here after my marriage i felt quite awkward in the community, ofcourse a lot of that is attributed to my own struggles with my identity etc but non the less women are very quick to be able to decipher how some one looks at them. So i too decided i wanted to cover up but the more i read and thought about things the more questions i had as to why the current rhetoric in the religion emphasizes the women to take a back seat and just crush her soul, On close inspection i did not find that in the older traditions and views plus in all honesty i do not feel i need to tell the whole world i am Muslim by putting a scarf on my head, neither do i feel that i have to keep the guys lust in check by being very demure in dress, their desire is their own problem not mine. After much internal struggle i decided to stop taking the abaya. The judgemental eyes were there like always but well one decision i have made through my personal growth through all this stuff is that i cannot control what other people think, it is their stuff not mine. I do not need every ones approval to feel good about my self. I have a right to my body and I have a right to dress it how I choose to. Allah cares more about what is in your heart and not what is on your head. 

Darkness

As a child I was always afraid of the dark. When I was old enough to write the first things i learnt to write was Allah and I would write it a hundred times and paste it all over my room to protect me from the darkness because darkness bought with it monsters and dreams things that went bump in the night.
 As I grew older I learnt that one had to be brave and not let the darkness scare you. As I got older still I learnt of a new kind of darkness, the one which lurks within all of us. What are we to do with that darkness let is dwell, not disturb it or rattle its cage. What does that darkness signify anyway, the shame, the guilt, the fear we all feel because we all are vulnerable human beings yet we pretend we are braver, stronger, faster than the other guy.
 The question that has been festering in my mind is why we are afraid of the darkness. The dark in the metamorphic sense within our souls or the darkness of the night. If we think about it all good things really come out of the dark. The seed is under layers of dark soil before it erupts and comes forth as a plant, a flower, or a tree. A baby is in the darkness of the womb before it comes into the light of the world. It is darkest before the dawn tears out of the night.
 I think our darkness completes us. It is only when we have allowed our selves to be comfortable with out own darkness, our own fears, our guilt, our shame, our vulnerability that we realize our true potential. We realize our own humanity and hence the humanity within others. The question than become how does one allow one self to be comfortable with the dark within. For that to happen one has to get thoroughly uncomfortable, to step outside of our comfort zone and think through the hard questions, face the fears we are never willing to face head on. The fears that lurk within us of our own inadequacy, It means letting down our own guard and the plastic masks we wear in public and examine our belief systems. Thinking is a painful process for many people we would rather be indulged, told how to live a life rather than take a path less traveled and find our own answers which may not be in agreement with the rhetoric of the time.
 However, looking back at history one finds many examples where geniuses have come forth when they were ready to embrace their darkness.Darkness than is not something to fear but to embrace to get comfortable with because it is only when we are ready to accept ourselves completely, that we are able to reach our true potentials. It is when we embrace the pain, the fear, the shame that we have experienced in our lives that we will feel adequate and will allow our selves to be vulnerable, to connect, to communicate with other living beings and it is only at that juncture that an ordinary un-examined life becomes an extra ordinary life.

What is scientific theory.

I am back after a long hiatus. Todays topic ladies and gentlemen is what is scientific theory. I have been having very lively discussions with my friends the past few months now and one thing i have begin to realize is that it seems people do not have a clear idea what its means when we say something is scientific theory and when we use this word in colloquial English.

So what is theory in the English language, according to Wikipedia a Theory is a contemplative and rational type of abstract or generalizing thinking, or the results of such thinking. Depending on the context, the results might for example include generalized explanations of how nature works. The word has its roots in ancient Greek, but in modern use it has taken on several different related meanings. A theory is not the same as hypothesis. A theory provides an explanatory framework for some observation, and from the assumptions of the explanation follows a number of possible hypotheses that can be tested in order to provide support for, or challenge, the theory.

  A scientific theory on the other hand is a well-substantiated explanation of some aspect of the natural world, based on knowledge that has been repeatedly confirmed through observation and experimentation Scientists create scientific theories from hypotheses that have been corroborated through the scientific method, then gather evidence to test their accuracy. As with all forms of scientific knowledge, scientific theories are inductive in nature and aim for predictive and explanatory force.

Robert Koch a German in the 1870s was the first of offer convincing proof that microbes can be associated with disease, and hence the germ theory was born. It was from 18 75 to the early 1900 that science started to explore disease from this perspective and bacteria came to the fore. It took many years more before viruses, viroid, and prions were discovered.

So what was happening before the germ theory emerged, well people believed in the ideas of spontaneous generation or bio genesis. The idea of spontaneous generation is the belief that living organisms can develop from non-living materials or from different types of organisms i.e. geese from barnacles etc. Bio genesis is the idea that all living organisms are derived from living organisms of the same type.

Scientists started working to refute these ideas as early as the 1600s and the germ theory did not emerge until the late 1800s so this can give us an idea about how long it takes a scientific theory to emerge. It requires rigorous testing and re testing and looking at the evidence again and again and again before any concrete causation is inferred from the data.

Francesco Redi in the mid-1600s refuted spontaneous generation of macroscopic organisms by demonstration that maggots don't generate from meat in fact from fly. IT was the discovery of the microscope and further experimentation by different scientists over the next two centuries that finally managed to topple the ideas of spontaneous generation and bio genesis.

In conclusion I just want to say that science has always been looked on with fear and this has happened through the ages so some ideas have become so embedded in our collective conscience and cultures that we do not think much about espousing to them again and again even in the face of over whelming evidence. Science is a tool for humanity and it has over the centuries helped us to achieve amazing things. It is true that some of its advances had not been wonderful but as i said it is a tool it is up to us to use it for better or for worse.

Intolerance

I am no expert here but just a thought in the Quran Allah never asked us to be the judge of any one. He tells us over and over that he is the judge and he will judge on the day of judgement. So i fail to understand the whole killing and screaming and shouting that has taken over Pakistan at the moment. Exactly what are we trying to achieve if we are truly of the belief one sect is not "Muslim" enough for us by killing them, because ultimately the judgement is Allah's right. 

 First we decided Ahmedis were not muslim enough now we are hell bent of finding fault with the Shia sect and soon all the Sunnis will be fighting within themselves on who is Muslim enough. WHEN does this end, NEVER. IF we keep quiet and keep watching and dont say this is wrong now it will never stop. I grew up in a family where my mother's side is Shia and my Father's side are Sunni, I grew up with both the sects and their practices.Both have a slightly different approach to Islam and well yes they both have different takes on certain historical details but the main tenents of Islam which I may add are Five not any more are the same. 

1. the shahada (Islamic creed)
2. daily prayers (salah)
3. almsgiving (zakāt)
4. fasting during the month of Ramadan (sawm)
5. the pilgrimage to Mecca (hajj) at least once in a lifetime.

These hold true for all sects I believe. One thing which hurts the most in the current situation of the Country is that in various discussions with my friends here I have seen people coming up with the most absurd kind of excuses to what is going on there, We can keep pointing fingers and say it is some third party doing all this or that the political leaders them selves are responsible for this. Fine all this may be true but what is happening is wrong, say that it is wrong. We know who is responsible for it and we need to catch those culprits and bring them to justice, as in the court of law. If we can  accept non-Muslims in this country and are respectful to their views and traditions we need to extend the same courtesy to the our fellow Muslims  Speak up now please this is not ISLAM and we are not saving any ISLAM here. 

Ideology

War and conflict is due to a clash in ideologies, coupled with circumstances, timing, susceptibility to violence and leadership. The question however remains what is ideology in the first place and how can it have enough strength to mobilize armies and make man ready to kill or be killed. " By definition ideology is a collection of ideas. The main purpose behind an ideology is to offer change in a society through a normative thought process.
 The crusades are one such example where such a clash in ideology resulted in war, both the Muslims and Christians believed Jerusalem to be their holy land and they believed themselves to be the rightful rulers. Nationalism; the idea that each nation deserves its own land is responsible for many conflicts around the globe today. The conflict between Shite and Sunni factions is also another example. The idea of a nation is an ambiguous one, nationalism can be based on similar language, culture, religion and other factors, infact there are many definitions to nationalism. Some theorists think that it is not nations which have created nationalism but nationalism which has created nations.
 Revolutions have been a result of ideologies  Marxism was the foundation of socialist and communist republics, and it was the idea behind the Russian and Cuban revolution. The French revolution which might have been the bloodiest revolution in history also has its roots in the thought that commoners should rule themselves and not be serfs to the nobles.
 Ideologies are also propagated to gain a sense of community.   Dean Ornish in his book love and survival writes about human need for intimacy and its role in human survival a gist of his research is this, "As  human beings we have an inherent need to connect and feel a sense of belonging, ideologies are able to provide us with those feelings from time to time. Human being have such a strong need to feel connection, intimacy and community that at times if they are not able to find it in beneficial ways they will be willing to find it in destructive ways. The need for intimacy is so strong that it will over ride our basic instinct for survival, which pretty much is an understanding that all life is important and in order to survive we need to find that connection with all life.
 Community can be developed in ways that bring us towards healing or towards suffering. One way to have a sense of community is to form smaller and smaller tribes around a hatred of a common enemy or a common idea. What we are seeing in the world today is this tribalization, this breakdown into smaller and smaller units based on seeing the difference between us and them. The true believers and the Heretics, when we revert to tribes to find a sense of belonging and to find a sense of community based on a common enemy we fight those who we feel are different from us, ultimately it is a false sense of community because a tribe that is unified by anger, fear, paranoia is likely to turn that suspicion on its own members until it breaks down further and further. Right now in Pakistan the  TTP is an ideology I think. It is not just a bunch of people some nameless faces. It is people who are just like you or me but are truly believing that what they are doing is correct. It is ok in their eyes to kill another human being who does not share their world view. The only way to fight an idea a thought process is by changing the thought process, by bringing in a new idea which challenges the old idea. The first step to challenge an old idea is the realization and awareness that there is a problem, that some people amongst us have a pretty polarized world view, most of us know the reasons for the creation of the Taliban and they were trained and encouraged to take up arms with the ideology that they were waging a war to protect Islam, they were fighting the Heretics etc. Although at this point in time we all have a general good idea of what political forces were the motivation behind their creation. What we need to realize at this point in time for the sake of our country is that Taliban is not Islam and Islam is not Taliban. The Taliban ideology is a very constricted view point which was created only to promote killing, religion was only used in name to promote and motivate them to kill. They were taught to hate any one who did not share their world view. Now the enemy which they were created for is no longer there so they are going to turn them selves towards any one who does not share their world view. In this instance it is religious parties who do not share their ideology or Agenda. Taliban are not picking up arms because they are being dealt with badly or being killed by drone attacks. The innocent people who are being killed by drones are not the ones becoming suicide bombers.
 History has shown that an ideology alone cannot bring about social upheaval or violent conflict. Timing is crucial  the idea has to come at a time when the society is ripe for change is ready to accept the idea and be prepared to implement it. Very good examples would be the Iranian revolution and the Arab spring. In these instances economical situations of the country were not good, people were frustrated and were looking to place blame on some one and were ready to try a new idea.. That idea was spread using the tools of propaganda and it was accepted by the masses due to the current leadership or due to the forces of social structure.
 The big question is how a common man is prepared to raise up in arms for an idea, There are many theories as to what mobilizes a man to violence, Some writers like Richard Rhodes suggest that it is behavior which is learnt people who have experienced it and out of that experience learned to produce it more or less on demand.  Weapons enter the picture as tools violent people may or may not use to amplify their violent production. Governments monopolize violence by authorizing some of their citizens to use violence in circumstance deemed legal and official. Apart from violent training group psychology also plays a part in mobilizing people to arms and conflicts. Propaganda and leadership play a great role in both these spheres. Could their have been a World War II without Hitler? My answer is no, because without Hitler there may never have been a Nazi Germany and consequently no WWII.
  An idea can bring about changes, huge massive impressive changes it is but a flame which can ignite  revolutions but one more crucial key to a revolution is the role of leadership and the personality of a leader many times is often more decisive in bringing about that social change than social or economic factors. The idea when propagated in the right manner at the right time combined with enigmatic leadership who is able to mobilize people to action can make the people believe in themselves and in their cause can bring about a social change. 

My country my first love......

Pakistan mean different things for different people. For me it is a big part of my identity of who I am today and that identity is an amalgamation of many sensations, experiences, sights and sounds.......

Here are a few that mean something to me, tell me what Pakistan means to you.

Pakistan is monsoons, the smell of the wet dirt .....

It is sleeping  out side on charpaoiz under the open sky and talking through the night with my cousins, uncles and aunts.

It is mangoes packed in ice in steel buckets and eaten at the canal. 

It is chapal kebabs and Kameeri Rotian

It is the choorian we wore on Chaand Raat

It is putting mehndi with all the cousins....

It is the voice of the Muazin from the mosque

It is my grandmothers hands

Samosa chaat, Aloo walay naan, Paratha rolls and pepsi....

Shopping at Ichara with my aunt

Shadiz....

putting up diyaz on 14th August

hiking in the mountains

sitting by the river swat

feeling a sense of belonging, an identity I wear with pride. 

In his eyes episode 3

 In the sweltering heat of the afternoon; every one was enjoying a Siesta. It seemed that all the birds and bugs were also quietly sitting in the shade passing time and waiting for evening to come. Rehaam was sitting in her room reading a magazine she had swiped off of her Khala's Khwateen Digest Collection. Uff !this is too boring for me she thought, I ll ask bua if she wants to accompany me to the book store and maybe I can buy a couple of new books. She went into the living room and asked Khala's permission to go out to the bookstore with Bua.
  Khala asked the driver to take out the car and soon she was at the book store with her
"Bua. Massi, i ll be a few minutes, you can stay in the car, its cooler here anyways." Rehaam said
 She entered the store and went to the best seller section. Her friend had told her about this new book the life of pi, she really wanted to check that out. She was browsing the book section when some books fell in the shelf next to her, she looked to her side and saw a gentleman picking them up, he looked familiar to her and when he looked up she knew why. The same enigmatic eyes greeted her. For a moment she forgot what she was thinking.
He smiled and said," Assalamo Alikum, funny running into you here?"
 Rehaam startled and came back to Earth "walikum Salam, she said, yes I was hoping to find some good books to read, so i thought i ll come check out this store. What are you buying."
" Oh I needed to get some books for my new courses so came to check out the prices," replied Hisham
"So what kind of books are you looking for." He asked
" I am looking for a book called the life of Pi, have you read it?" Rehaam asked.
"Hmmmmm, no I have not read that as yet, maybe you can lent it to me once you are done with it?" he said with a smile.
Rehaam laughed, "yeah right as if we ll keep running into each other. "
"You never know Rehaam we just might," he said with a shrug.
"I myself do enjoy Urdu literature and love reading Poetry. Faiz Ahmed Faiz is one of my favorite authors."Hisham said
 "Oh is he really," Rehaam replied. "I do not understand poetry at all, don't know what they are talking about; it is so metaphorical."
"Poetry is the language of love Rehaam," Hisham said. "I guess you ll understand poetry when  you ll understand love. "
"I do understand love jee, I love my family, I love my bua....." Rehaam replied defensively.
"Yes, that is true I guess.... hmmmm let me see," Hisham said, " why dont you read this book, he took out a book of poetry by the poetess Parveen Shakir. This is a good collection of poems read the Nazam titled Chehra mera tha (my face) you might have heard the song its by vital signs."
"Oh yes i have heard the song. I love that song." Reham exclaimed, "hmmm I guess i ll give it a shot. Thank you for the suggestion and let me return the favor by suggesting  the book, God of small things, it is by Arundathi Roy. It is one of my favorite books. Read it and tell me what you think." Rehaam said.
"I shall surely do that thank you," Hishaam said. "Ok let me buy the books I came here to buy, it was nice running into you, maybe I ll see you some where again he said with a mischievous grin."
Rehaam smiled, "yes maybe."
 He carried on and started to purchase his books while she browsed the shelves for a few more books and than came to the checkout her self and paid for her books.
   They returned home in time for the evening tea and snacks. Khala was sitting on the veranda and Khaloo as was his routine had returned home and was getting ready to go play golf at the Mess golf grounds. She said Salaam to khala and went to her room to put away her books. She freshened up and came to sit outside with khala.
" So Rehaam, did you buy any books from the store than," Khala asked.
"Oh yes khala I did get a few books, got two Urdu ones also, you d be happy to know as you are always telling me to read Urdu."Rehaam said
"Oh really you did, that is nice. What books did you get?" Khala asked
" I got a poetry book by Parveen Shakir and one by  one by Ashfaq Ahmad." replied Rehaam
"That is nice, do tell me what you think when you read them."Khala said.
    They were enjoying their tea and the sunset. Khaloo had also come back now from his golf and the talk had drifted to politics and the weather.
Khala said to Khaloo,  "We should have the icecream party soon. Mangoes are in season and we could make the hand churned ice cream. I had asked at the mess, they said we could borrow the ice cream machine so who all would you like to invite."
" Hmmm said Khaloo, begum as you wish, ofcourse we will be inviting all the usual friends and family make sure you do invite my old friend Sarfraz Shah, he recently moved from Bahawalpur to Multan. Invite his whole family for certain, I have not seen him in a long time. I know he married off both his daughters and two of his sons are off to boarding school but two of his sons I think are in Multan, in fact one of them is studying Medicine. Rehaam's ears pricked up at this tit bit of information, her heart fluttered and well she wished that this person was the one she has been running into for the past few days.
 Khala said," Rehaam we will be going to say Fatiha at the mausoleum of Shah Rukh-E- Alam tommorrow. We will be leaving after Fajr prayers, you are most welcome to join us. I usually distribute food and alms there as well. "
"Yes, Khala I would love to join you. I ll make sure I am up and ready. Where is Hassan bhai and Rabya apa? " she asked her.
"Hassan went to see some friends and Rabya would probably be inside reading." Khala said
" Ok, I ll be in her room if you need me." She left Khala and went into Rabya Baji's room, every one called Rabya baji, "Raj" and she was busy studying for her final board exams. She was a beautiful girl with thick dark hair and beautiful almond shaped eyes.
"What are you doing Raji," asked Rehaam.
"Nothing much trying to memorize these chemistry equations, I just hope I can score well for my exams and get accepted into Medical college otherwise Abu will be very disappointed," Raji said.
"InshAllah you will Raji, ok I ll not bother you, when you are free we can have a badminton match out in the ground, it will be good exercise and Allah knows I need to work off those samosas I just had with tea." Rehaam said.
Raji chuckled, "Oh Rehaam you worry too much, you are so slender, ok i ll come get you when i want to take a break."
   Rehaam went to her room and started to read through Parveen Shakir's poetry which poem was it that he has asked her to read, "Chehra" I think. She skipped to that poem first and read it, it was mesmerizing. She started to think about him again; she really did like his eyes. They were the color of honey but tended to  change to a greyish aqua , there were specks of gold in their depths. Snap out of it Rehaam why are you thinking of him so much, he is a total stranger. A couple of chance meetings mean nothing..... her line of though was broken when Raji came into the room. They went out to play badminton and played till dinner was served. After dinner Rehaam said her Isha prayers and went right off to sleep.
    The next morning was a bustle of activities, after prayers Khala, Raji, Bua, Khaloo and Rehaam went off to the mausoleum of Shah Rukhn-E-Alam.  The mausoleum is a beautiful construction of red brick and blue tiles. Its majestic beauty could be seen from afar due to its size and structure.  It is quite large and both the women and men section look onto the grave of the saint, so if one is standing on the women's side you can see into the men's side and vice versa. They went into the women's section while her Khaloo went to the men's section. After saying Fatiha she looked up and saw Hisham standing in the men's section, he looked up at the same time and their eyes locked across the sea of people. She felt her face flush and soon the sea of people receded back and it felt as if they were the only two people in the room  and all she was aware of were those beautiful eyes locked with her. The intensity of his gaze made her blush and she quickly looked down and when she looked back up he was gone.........