Hello all, after a long long hiatus I am back and there is so much to tell and talk about and discuss and rave and rant and give my opinion on but first we must discuss matters of immediate importance, I became a mommy recently baby number two arrived January 31st after three days of labor. Why is it called labor; in my opinion it should be called the iron man challenge or hard labor without bail....
After taking on mommy hood for the second time, I am convinced absolutely and irrevocable convinced that we need to unionize. Moms everywhere unite!!!! like think about it, kids have all the advantages here they are cute, they are precocious they have tears and can cry on demand. Every child that is born is already able to give Oscar worthy performances at the drop of a hat, I think Leo Di Cap could have easily taken drama lessons from either of my little ones and scored an Oscar a long time ago. So yes after much deliberation I have come to the conclusion that we need to unionize and more importantly we need colleges and universities to offer courses and diplomas in the art of motherhood.
These courses need to be fully funded by the clients in this case your 3 days old. So here are some ideas on course offerings.
How to put on a diaper challenge: This course covers putting on diapers while the little one is erupting like Mt Vesuvius, the challenge is to put on the diaper before all that shit hits you and your carpet whilst your husband and older child are shouting helpful suggestions on how to lift and tie from the sidelines, as the oven beeps and the tea kettle screams and the door bell rings. Baby provided. bring your own diapers.
The prefect temperature: In this course we will learn how to prepare the perfect temperature formula bottle and in case of breast milk how long to keep it in the hot water. The milk has to be just the right temperature not too hot, not to cold. Best of luck figuring that out.
Opening packages 101: This one will fill up fast so be quick, we will cover opening up packages of medicines before you or a loved one passes out, you will need a saw, a drill machine, a jack hammer, a wrecking ball (Miley Cyrus not needed on it) if you are not in Canada you may also bring your AK 47 from the corner store. For all other packages which include diapers, wipes, creams, cookies etc just a jack hammer will do. Packages provided, instruction will be given by Houdini.
Just eat it: Are you getting showered with peas, carrots and apple puree. Does your little one say it is tooooo spicy to apple pie and refuses to eat it. It is too hot to frozen burger patties and throws them with the strength of a line backer, fear no more just eat it will provide you with the tools needed to ensure they eat it
The Nag: How to creatively nag your child so they are emotionally scared for life . You will learn the bionic arts. How to see through bathroom doors, how to throw the chappal just right so it hits the mark every time, how to see with your back turned. You will learn the forgotten art of making your teenager cry. learn creative ways to make your child miserable for a lifetime my personal favorite tell them the candy got stolen and enjoy it all on your own while watching the reruns of Grey's anatomy guilt free.
How to be a savvy saver: No mom is complete until she learns the art of useless hoarding, not until you have a drawer full of rubber bands, plastic ties, bags full of plastic bags, old shoes, clothes and toys are you worthy of the title Ami jan. You will learn speed and skill and the use of nimble fingers so you can snatch the gift bag from the unwitting receiver just as they take out their present. You will learn to take off the gift wrap with such precision that not a tear will result.
Stork breaking 1.0: Every day mothers let precious moments to guilt trip their kids go, where if they were smart investors they could convince their children; that their kids owe them something and reap the benefits for years to come, instead of receiving the half broken sea shell and a box of candles on mothers day. Now you will be the one receiving the expensive gifts which were previously been given to the cute girl in the class who sat next to your son whom he gave the expensive silk scarf to although he has known her only three days while you have the paunchy tummy bringing him into the world and scars to prove it.
Perfection:How to fake it; This is crucial to motherhood, you can never make any mistakes, make sure you have the perfect hair, body and nails and your eyebrows are always on point. You need to have an immaculate house, fresh baked bread in the oven and should be able to perform feats defying gravity with baby in one hand and a rolling pin in the other, You will learn skills which will benefit you for years to come especially when in-laws and nosy neighbors drop by unannounced. In order to gain your kids respect and keep it you must have your children believe that you have never made a bad decision in your life, never experimented with drugs or sex, never gave your own mother any sleepless nights in short you were never a child your self.
Prerequisites required; The immaculate birth.
Lie who me, are you kidding?
This is the face of an angel
How dare you talk like this to your own mother.
Legal jargon: Know your rights mom; are you really required to fold the laundry which has been lying in the dryer for more that two months, can the department of health and safety raid your house if they know you have been feeding your kids nuggets and smiley faces for the last month, are you breaking the law if you feed them food over the expiration date, Will you face jail time if you open that teens room with your nail file, What will the penalty be if you actually leave that kid on the side of the road who had been kicking daddy seat for the last 300 miles and asking are we there yet at the top of his lungs every 5 seconds and making sure to the poke and wake up the baby the moment that screaming tyke falls asleep.
Spotting Pinocchio, empty threaaats and promises. This is the most important course in all the series if you can't take any course make sure to take this one, it is offered online as well for your convenience. This will give you skills to spot the liar long after his nose has stopped growing, to find milk that was thrown down the drain, half eaten sandwiches hidden under beds. Candy being eaten behind the sofa. You will learn the art of making false promises and giving empty threats to intimidate your children for as long as they are living under your roof and eating your food. In this course you will be given the mega weapon the death stare sure to work in crowded places and in public when you cannot shout at the little rascals.
So hurry on over enrollment is limited!!!!!
