Letter to myself from my 92 year old self

Dear Fatima,

Life has been good and I am incredibly proud of all the work you have done. It takes a lot of courage to look deep within yourself. To take responsibilities for yourself and do something about it. You had set a road map for yourself to work on your emotional health, that was very hard but you did it. You took charge of your health and your spiritual health. You have raised your family well and accomplished many challenges you had set for you self. I am tremendously proud of everything. In my time on earth these are a few things I have learnt which will keep you in good stead. The most important thing to remember is human dignity.  Human dignity by its very meaning is the idea that all humans are deserving of respect, love and recognition regardless of gender, race, color, creed, caste, religion or any other distinctions. They deserved to be treated well because all humans have inherent worth and it does not have to be earned by status, class, culture or creed. If we all started to treat each other well simply because we are human and not keep creating divisions amongst each other based on nationality, class, culture, sex, gender, creed, and religion there can be peace on earth.

Have tolerance because tolerance simply means to allow another person to have a point of view. It may be completely opposite to your point of view but you allow it to exist, you do not have to agree with it and you do not have to like it but you have to allow it. Have compassion because everyone is fighting a battle some publicly most privately. Don't Judge any one: we all experience life differently and in our limited perspectives we cannot always know how the other person experienced something so therefore we cannot sit or stand in judgement of any one. There is always going to be difference of opinion so let’s just take it as that a difference of opinion and not as absolute truths which we need to fight over to death. Forgive, I have learnt that forgiveness is not always for the person we are forgiving. It is more for us, when we forgive we are able to move on and able to let go. When we forgive we are allowing positive feelings to replace negative feelings. Positivity breeds hope, while negativity breeds despair and anguish. It is as if a wound has been bandaged and you can heal.

Don't give up on your dreams, no matter how old you get, there should always be goals you want to attain and so go for them, don't make excuses just go for it. It is better to lose trying than not try at all. We all have such visions for our future and dreams when we are younger, keep those visions alive you can never know when something will get fulfilled unless you give it your best shot. When you reach my age you will regret the things you did not do much more than the things you did. Treat everyone you meet as if you are going to die that day, give them your best side. This is especially true for our children and significant others because they are the ones who get the worst of our moods. Relationships are the most important things in our lives, make them count give them time and nurture them, good relationships breed happiness. Although we may think power and money is something that will give us higher satisfaction but I think in life happiness is far more important than any other thing and happiness comes from people in our lives not necessarily from things.

A life well lived is far more important than a well preserved body and face. I am not saying that one should let themselves go but I do believe constantly obsessing over every year that is added to our lives, every wrinkle, every fat cell, every gray hair is just not worth the hassle. There are many people in this world who do not have the privilege of getting old. There are those who get old but do not experience anything i.e. patients in comas, people with major brain damage. Take care of your health your mind, your body and your spiritual health. Have gratitude, thank each day you are alive and get to live on this beautiful earth with the wonderful people in your life, your family, your friends and all you meet.

Don’t look back and have regrets, live in the present and enjoy the blessings of each day. Live your life don’t just spend it. 

What my life will be in 5 years or so I think

06/15/2021

Dear Diary,

I am feeling quite accomplished right now. The journey I began 5 years ago has been so fulfilling. It is true what they say the biggest investments we make is in our own selves, our health, our mind and our relationships. It is amazing what one is able to accomplish when one follows their own passions.

It is a glorious day today in San Francisco as I sit on my balcony gazing at the beautiful golden gate bridge. The view from this sea cliff home is so breathtaking, it mesmerizes me to no end no matter how many times I look at it. The last week has been pretty tough and I surely need this warm cup of chamomile tea to help my achy muscles, I did my fifth tough mudder challenge with Teresa and her team and it was AWESOME!!! I never could have imagined when I started training that one day my body would be this strong, the first time I did the challenge I had to forego quite a few obstacles because I was sure I would not be able to complete them. In the last few years, with my regular kickboxing training and KungFu training my body has gained strength in leaps and bounds. Not only is my body stronger but my mind is so much clearer, I am not stressed or anxious about the future. I have more confidence than I have had in a long long time. My KungFu instructor has told me in another year I will be ready to take my test and if I clear them I may start teaching students with him, that is a good start I want to eventually be able to train young girls and women in KungFu and kick boxing so they too maybe able to find this confidence.

Yes Diary I have been busy with all the energy I was able to harness from the training I started with Teresa, I was able to start learning new languages and computer programming. I have mastered French and Spanish. This year I will start Arabic and then it will be Mandarin my hardest languages to master yet but I am confident I can do it. I who at one time felt like a complete fool sitting in front of a computer can now program pretty well and gotten a handle on math too the subject  I was most afraid of throughout high school and college. All this has helped me to realize my dream of pursuing a PhD, so yes dear diary this Fall I will start my post doc degree in psychology and get my family therapy license. All this time I have been steadily building my knowledge base on the subject of trauma and how it affects us, learning techniques which can help and I feel in a few years I will be ready to start my own practice.

All three kids are doing so well everyone will be starting school this fall. Both the older ones going to Public school and the youngest going to Preschool. I am excited to start this new chapter in my life and explore all the new adventures that are in store for me.

Battles within.

Some battles are external and when we win those we can show the world. We can display the certificates and the medals with honor, but there are many battles which are internal and when we win those we may never be able to take the adulation of the crowd. One such battle is mental illness. In the USA the culture surrounding mental illnesses are slowly but surely shifting, people are beginning to realize what havoc they play on families and the person suffering from them.
 The case for mental illnesses in the Asian communities and the South Asian communities in particular is not the same. The culture of keeping face and honor takes precedence over everything in the culture and that is the reason many people are left floundering trying to find support when they are dealing with mental illness. When some one has an injury no one tells them to just keep a stiff upper lip and forget about it. If some one cut their hand and was bleeding all over the place you won't tell them to just ignore it, if that person was to say Oh, its nothing it will get better on its own you will think that person is not in their right senses and will probably drive them to the nearest hospital why is mental illness any different.
 Depression is known to kill too and  a person suffering from any mental disorder whether its depression, anxiety, panic disorders or any other thing is hurting just as much or more than a person bleeding. Its important to start challenging the narrative around these issues and diffusing the stigma around them so more people have the courage to share their stories and to seek help when they need it.
Having a problem is never the problem, refusing to see there is a problem and refusing to seek help and fix it are a much bigger issue. It takes a lot of work and dedication to deal with mental health issues. Mental health does not just affect the one person it affects every one surrounding that person. One such example is the case of post-partum depression, it not only affects the mother it affects her child or children. It is not something one can just snap out of and if some one has post-partum depression or clinical depression in general it does not mean they are weak. Our brain is an organ just like any other organ in our body if some one gets a heart attack we don't say oh he is weak then why must we say that about mental disease. If some one has heart disease he takes medication for it and makes life style changes and finds support in their communities to help them. It has to be the same for mental illness, a person suffering from mental illness needs professional help they might need medication along with life style changes and support from community, so lets give them that.
 Lets make a collective effort to change this rhetoric, lets seek help when we need it and lets be vocal about asking for help and vocal about our accomplishments when we defeat mental illnesses. 

pieces of me...

short love poem

My endless love, my most dear enchanter,
The beautiful soul for whom I die gladly,
my sweet sweet lover for whom I live
passionately.



Random musings of the mind

Walls connected to walls,
rooms connected to rooms,
in which my dreams lay.
We tip toe around the sleeping giants
afraid lest they awake.
Like a broken marionette spinning
endlessly on one string waiting to fall.

letting go is the hardest thing......

 As a parent one of the hardest things is finding the perfect balance between keeping our children safe and letting them go. As they get older and start having a mind of their own it gets harder and harder to keep that fine balance.
 There have been numerous times in my life when I have wanted to keep my babies little, the first time was at a friends house when we were watching her wedding video and I started to cry thinking that one day my baby girl will get older and get married too, my baby girl was 11 months at the time. It was no wonder that my friends thought it quite funny that I was being so sentimental but time is a disloyal friend it goes by in a blink of an eye. My baby girl is  six already and is going to start grade one this year. When she had started school I had felt weak in the knees dropping her off that first day imagining all the bullies who could hurt her on the play ground, the injustices life may throw at her but I kept a stiff upper lip and let her go knowing she will be in my loving embrace by mid morning.
 When I was young myself my mom had said to me one day that she wished she could be a part of my dowry and come with me to my house when I got married, I had found that notion very funny but now I understand what she had meant. It is an illusion I guess; this idea that we can protect our kids because we really cannot no one knows what life will be like from one moment to the next but as long as they are in our arms we can dream that we will be able to keep that innocence from getting marred.
 My youngest sister is almost 16 years younger to me and she too is graduating high school this year. Growing up, I felt she was more my child than my sister even now I confuse her name with my daughters name all the time to the chagrin of both.
 There is so much I want to tell my sister, so many ways I want to protect her; but I know that the only way for her to learn as for all our kids to learn is through the pathway they will chart for themselves in this journey of life. We cannot always protect them and it is imperative that these young adults be given the right to explore, make mistakes and learn. I wish I had some really meaningful wise quote to say here but alas I do not.
I will however; make a silent prayer for my children and all the children of the world that whatever life throws at you, you are able to take it in stride and make the decision which are beneficial for you and the world in general. I pray that Allah protects all children and helps us to raise them well to be the best caretakers of the world we leave for them. 

Spit polish academy for moms

Hello all, after a long long hiatus I am back and there is so much to tell and talk about and discuss and rave and rant and give my opinion on but first we must discuss matters of immediate importance, I became a mommy recently baby number two arrived January 31st after three days of labor. Why is it called labor; in my opinion it should be called the iron man challenge or hard labor without bail....

After taking on mommy hood for the second time, I am convinced absolutely and irrevocable convinced that we need to unionize. Moms everywhere unite!!!! like think about it, kids have all the advantages here they are cute, they are precocious they have tears and can cry on demand. Every child that is born is already able to give Oscar worthy performances at the drop of a hat, I think Leo Di Cap could have easily taken drama lessons from either of my little ones and scored an Oscar a long time ago. So yes after much deliberation I have come to the conclusion that we need to unionize and more importantly we need colleges and universities to offer courses and diplomas in the art of motherhood.

These courses need to be fully funded by the clients in this case your 3 days old. So here are some ideas on course offerings.

 How to put on a diaper challenge: This course covers putting on diapers while the little one is erupting like Mt Vesuvius, the challenge is to put on the diaper before all that shit hits you and your carpet whilst your husband and older child are shouting helpful suggestions on how to lift and tie from the sidelines, as the oven beeps and the tea kettle screams and the door bell rings.  Baby provided. bring your own diapers.

The prefect temperature: In this course we will learn how to prepare the perfect temperature formula bottle and in case of breast milk how long to keep it in the hot water. The milk has to be just the right temperature not too hot, not to cold. Best of luck figuring that out.

Opening packages 101: This one will fill up fast so be quick, we will cover opening up packages of medicines before you or a loved one passes out, you will need  a saw, a drill machine, a jack hammer, a wrecking ball (Miley Cyrus not needed on it) if you are not in Canada you may also bring your AK 47 from the corner store. For all other packages which include diapers, wipes, creams, cookies etc just a jack hammer will do. Packages provided, instruction will be given by Houdini.

Just eat it: Are you getting showered with peas, carrots and apple puree. Does your little one say it is tooooo spicy to apple pie and refuses to eat it. It is too hot to frozen burger patties and throws them with the strength of a line backer, fear no more just eat it will provide you with the tools needed to ensure they eat it

The Nag: How to creatively nag your child so they are emotionally scared for life . You will learn the bionic arts. How to see through bathroom doors, how to throw the chappal just right so it hits the mark every time, how to see with your back turned. You will learn the forgotten art of making your teenager cry. learn creative ways to make your child miserable for a lifetime my personal favorite tell them the candy got stolen and enjoy it all on your own while watching the reruns of Grey's anatomy guilt free.

How to be a savvy saver: No mom is complete until she learns the art of useless hoarding, not until you have a drawer full of rubber bands, plastic ties, bags full of plastic bags, old shoes, clothes and toys are you worthy of the title Ami jan. You will learn speed and skill and the use of nimble fingers so you can snatch the gift bag from the unwitting receiver just as they take out their present. You will learn to take off the gift wrap with such precision that not a tear will result.

Stork breaking 1.0:  Every day mothers let precious moments to guilt trip their kids go, where if they were smart investors they could convince their children; that their kids owe them something and reap the benefits for years to come, instead of receiving the half broken sea shell and a box of candles on mothers day. Now you will be the one receiving the expensive gifts which were previously been given to the cute girl in the class who sat next to your son whom he gave the expensive silk scarf to although he has known her only three days while you have the  paunchy tummy bringing him into the world and scars to prove it.

Perfection:How to fake it; This is crucial to motherhood, you can never make any mistakes, make sure you have the perfect hair, body and nails and your eyebrows are always on point. You need to have an immaculate house,  fresh baked bread in the oven and should be able to perform feats defying gravity with baby in one hand and a rolling pin in the other, You will learn skills which will benefit you for years to come especially when in-laws and nosy neighbors drop by unannounced. In order to gain your kids respect and keep it you must have your children believe that you have never made a bad decision in your life, never experimented with drugs or sex, never gave your own mother any sleepless nights in short you were never a child your self.
Prerequisites required; The immaculate birth.
 Lie who me, are you kidding?
This is the face of an angel
How dare you talk like this to your own mother.

Legal jargon: Know your rights mom; are you really required to fold the laundry which has been lying in the dryer for more that two months,  can the department of health and safety raid your house if they know you have been feeding your kids nuggets and smiley faces for the last month, are you breaking the law if you feed them food over the expiration date, Will you face jail time if you open that teens room with your nail file, What will the penalty be if you actually leave that kid on the side of the road who had been kicking daddy seat for the last 300 miles and asking are we there yet at the top of his lungs every 5 seconds and making sure to the poke and wake up the baby the moment that screaming tyke falls asleep.

Spotting Pinocchio, empty threaaats and promises. This is the most important course in all the series if you can't take any course make sure to take this one, it is offered online as well for your convenience. This will give you skills to spot the liar long after his nose has stopped growing, to find milk that was thrown down the drain, half eaten sandwiches hidden under beds. Candy being eaten behind the sofa. You will learn the art of making false promises and giving empty threats to intimidate your children for as long as they are living under your roof and eating your food. In this course you will be given the mega weapon the death stare sure to work in crowded places and in public when you cannot shout at the little rascals.

So hurry on over enrollment is limited!!!!!